My desk should not be so close to donuts.  And that’s all I’m gonna say about today.

In other news, the diet is going well.  As you might’ve guessed.  I mean, it started out okay.  I had yogurt for breakfast instead of the biscuits and gravy I really wanted.  About 15 minutes after that, I was starving, and then someone brought donuts in and sat them about 10 feet away from me.  WITHOUT supervision of any kind.  Honestly, the display of willpower was downright superhuman.

And so naturally I ate a donut.  Cuz DONUT.  I mean, what is your question?  How do you not eat the donut when you can literally just roll your office chair over there to get one?  If the intention was to not eat the donut, then someone would’ve just brought in a batch of Snickerdoodles instead.   Cuz what is a Snickerdoodle exactly?  That’s right, NOT A DONUT.  So we don’t like Snickerdoodles that much, then.  I can ignore a Snickerdoodle like it’s my damn job.   Anyone in the mood for the most boring cookie on the planet?  Nope, not even one time.

But tomorrow is another day, and I can start from scratch and make better choices.  If I don’t straighten up on the food end, I’m gonna have to start exercising instead, and I don’t take kindly to that behavior one bit.  Cuz I gave myself rug burn in my butt crack once from attempting pilates, and that shit hurts.  My ex husband had to get in there with the Neosporin, which causes divorce if I’m not mistaken.

So pray for my marriage, then, and send some anti-donut vibes my way.  Also, help me remember that only 21 Cheetos is still eating Cheetos despite any type of justification of the contrary on my part.  As a thank you, I’ll continue to write stupid stuff in this blog for all the internet to see.  It’s the least I can do.

Let’s look at pretty things!  I have 5 out of 10 polishes from the the new Glam Polish Magical Creatures Collection to show off for you today.  Who else hears the word iridescent, and then a Pavlov’s dog drool-type scenario takes place?  Well grab you some buckets then, cuz you’re about to get suuuuuuuper unattractive.

Told ya.  For real, first the robe with the jelly stain on it; now in a constant state of tongue lolling.  If I manage to keep a husband after all this,  it’ll be a dang miracle.

This collection is inspired by creatures from the movie Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.  They’re all loaded with iridescent glitters or flakies (or both) and are truly jaw-droppingly beautiful.  You’ll want all of them, I’ve already decided. 

First up is Swooping Evil:

Named after the creature, the Swooping Evil, who has a habit of sucking people’s brains out.  A real gem, you might say.  Although if anyone can understand habits, it’d be me, cuz I practically make a living out of them.  Waking up 15 minutes before I need to be at work?  Habit.  Trying to drink tea in the morning to save on calories but then failing and having a Starbucks instead?  Habit.  Watching my cat bypass me completely just to go cuddle up and purr all over my husband, so I inject myself right in the middle of their love affair and effectively ruin everything?  Habit.

So this one has a dark blue jelly base with those glorious iridescent flakies and glitter, metallic shifting flakies, and holo micro glitter.  As usual with Glam Polish, this only required two smooth coats to get opaque.  Isn’t she lovely?  (She is!  I checked.)

Time for macros!

Some “nail art” I did:

What the hell, is right.  I feel like I cheated.  The most simple of all things simple – chevron nail vinyls  and about 30 seconds of my time – and voila.  Nail art.  I dunno guys.  I don’t hate it, but if I ever win an award for this one, I’m almost certain the universe done tipped over or something.  Let’s move on; this one makes me sad about my mojo.

Next up is Newt…I Don’t Think I’m Dreaming:

Named after the Mooncalves, timid creatures that only venture out at night under a full moon, where they make intricate, geometric patterns in wheat fields.  Well, that’s not weird AT ALL.  Although points for creativity, I suppose.  I’m a timid person and rarely do I put myself out there for judgement.  Once I discovered how my face looks while dancing to rap songs, that pretty much put the kibosh on any future ventures.  Cuz even though I’m not actually saying AH-HAH! with my mouth, I can pantomime the shit out of that apparently.  Reason #756455374 I no longer go out.  Clearly, this is justified.

This one is described as a blue tinted jelly base with iridescent glitter, shifting metallic flakies, and holo micro glitter.  It comes off as a pale green/blue to me and it’s rather sheer.  It did build up pretty good, but my swatch pics show three coats and still a bit of visible nail line.  However, I love this color and how well the iridescence compliments everything.  It’s really pretty and quite possibly my favorite.

Macro porn!

Actual nail art:

See what happens when a little bit of effort is given?  Magic, that’s what.  I thought this color looked very ocean-y, so I did some gradient stamping with a coral reef image from the Lina Born to Sail 01 plate.  Cute, right?  RIGHT.  I’m pretty proud, regardless.  Quick!  Someone bring me my horn so I can toot it.

Now here’s Paws Off What Doesn’t Belong To You!:

Named after the Niffler, a cute but troublesome character.  They are fast and agile, always on the hunt for shiny objects.  They store their treasures in their bottomless stomach pouches. And basically, they’re thieves is what I’m saying.

You know, I was never one for shiny things.  I mean, jewelry is fine and all, but not once has it ever made me stop in my tracks, back up, and go take a good look.  Unless you’re Leonardo handing me an engagement ring, chances are I’ll just breeze right past.  The only thing I ever really cared about was books.  I could be in full serious conversation mode and legit just stop talking as I caught a whiff of brand new book smell lingering in the air.  And even though I’ve been reading the same book since March 2015, books are and will forever be my one true love.  I am not a thief, let’s make that clear, but standing in the middle of a Barnes and Noble makes me think about it for 2.5 seconds.

So this one is a gorgeous black jelly with iridescent glitter, shifting metallic flakies, and holo micro glitter.  I literally can’t handle how stunning this is.  The iridescence is at a most ridiculous level here, and I’m losing control of words.  Moan-y throat noises are about to come out cuz the skill of sentences is fading, fading, fading fast …

Uhhhhhhnnnnnnnn.

See?!  Ugh.

Time for drool!

You done died. You did.

Not even sure what this is:

Started out as a valiant attempt at stamping but can you even tell?  Barely.  Copper was a poor choice, I have determined.  It blends right in with those glitters, which was completely unintentional and a big ole surprise.  I mean, check out my index finger.  What is even happening?  I dunno guys.  Baby Jesus might’ve moved on to more pressing issues.  Apparently my prayers for more mojo isn’t quite the priority I’ve assumed.

I used the Bundle Monster + NailStamp4Fun collab plate if you’re curious.  Cuz I’m sure a recreation is in order, right?  Bahaha.

Next up is Much More To You Than Meets the Eye:

Named after the Graphorn, large and carnivorous creatures with dark grey-purple hides with tough, dragon-like scales which can repel most spells.  In other words, a kinder way to say this one’s chubby.  Which I can relate, so we’re all good here.  Until this 30 pounds is gone, at least.  Which will take eons with light years and eternities on top at the rate I’m going.  I have no motivation as long as mashed potatoes are in this world.

I’m trying to think of things I could give up to help speed this process along.  But honestly, what is a life without Starbucks and carbs?  Not a very happy one, I’ll tell you right now.  My coffee brings me so much pleasure, it’s almost questionable as a lifestyle at this point.  And when the weekend rolls around and the Butterscotch Schnapps comes out, I am beyond a normal level of what is considered acceptable.  Which is probably why I stay home so much.  Cuz society is watching you with your boozy coffee and your no pants on, clearly sucking the joy out of everything.  Society is no fun sometimes.

Here we have a dark mauve crelly with iridescent glitter, shifting metallic flakies and holo microglitter.  This color is one of the more unique ones in the collection.  It’s purple with a touch of grey and just an extra special bit of something.  I lub it lots, so in the basket it goes cuz I am the boss of you.

More macro, more drool:

A bit of hypnotism to help aid in your decision:

Not that you haven’t already decided, but just in case there’s someone out there still on the fence, look closely … verrrrrry closely.  Cuz the fence is no place for a lady.

Used the Lina In Motion 01 plate for this image, and you’re getting sleepy and about to spend some money, I can already tell.

Lastly, here’s Good Show, Mr. Kowalski!:

Named after Erumpent, these creatures are native to Africa with glowing horns filled with explosive fluid.  Enormous in size, but mostly peaceful, these lady beasts can repel most spells and charms.  And while that’s all fine, I’m more concerned about the horn thing. Cuz explosive fluid sounds like something I want no part of. I can’t think of one time an explosive anything turned out well.  Since it’s usually not chocolate-related or even a malfunction at Starbucks or anything remotely delicious.  Although hubby did get a fancy restaurant-style espresso machine for our Christmas this year, and while figuring out all the knobs and buttons, coffee exploded everywhere. But it looked like a poo incident, so yet again, nothing delicious. 

This one is a medium grey crelly with iridescent glitter and holo micro glitter.  A bit of a sheer quality to it, even though it isn’t really sheer.  Reminds me somewhat of fiery coals embedded in ashes.   Kinda a cool effect, don’t you think?  You don’t see grey polish all dressed up like this that often.  For that reason alone, you’re buying it.

Last macro, to set you straight:

My favorite nail art:

For a brief moment, I had a vision.  The fiery glitters needed a spotlight, so I ended up doing some copper and gold metallic stamping in order to pull the whole look together.  I looooooove how it turned out!  Forget tooting just a horn; I want a whole slew of sounds.  Maracas, triangle, whatever you’ve got handy.  Cow bell, too, just to be safe. 

Used the Lina You’re a Damasque 01 plate for the baroque floral and Feeling Shapely 01 plate for the lines.  And gradient stamping, which has somehow quickly become one of my favorite things.

The round up:

Cost for the whole collection is $120 but will be discounted to $108 for the next 48 hours or so.  Which means go now, since it’s kinda an emergency.  Single polishes are $12 but you’re buying all of them so I told you that cuz I don’t know why.

As mentioned up top, the collection consists of 10 total polishes.  Here are descriptions of the others:

Case Full of Magical Creatures – plum tinted jelly with iridescent glitter, shifting metallic flakies and holo micro glitter

You Are Our Only Hope, Frank – clear base with iridescent flakies and glitter, shifting metallic flakies and holo micro glitter

I Think Your Egg is Hatching! – teal jelly base with crimson shimmer, iridescent glitter, shifting metallic flakies and holo micro glitter

That’s a Bowtruckle…Right! – bright green jelly with iridescent glitter and holo micro glitter

Douglas My Demiguise – holo base with iridescent glitter and silver holographic glitter

You can view more swatches of these colors by visiting my friend, Cheyenne’s, blog by clicking here.  Tell her I sent you!

So what’s at the top of your to-do list then?  That’s right.  Click here to order!  Cuz you can’t love nail polish if you’re not properly obsessed.  Don’t worry, I’ll help you if you need it.  I’ve got almost 300 previous posts of bad influence for whenever you’re not busy.  And you have a billion dollars handy. (As you do from time to time.)

Later, loves!