It’s trash time already.  Go ahead and cancel the rest of your plans for the day.  I mean, it will take me 15 years to write this post; the least you can do is sit down and read it.  And also lovingly appreciate how I’ve artfully displayed each product atop my beige bathroom towel for you.

Well, why do something if not fancy?

Here’s some hair stuff:

The Macadamia Flawless Cleansing Conditioner sounds like the perfect product for those people who don’t have time to wash AND condition.  It’s a shampoo and conditioner in one!  Genius!  Except that already exists in Pert-Plus form.  So really what is this product but the antithesis of a shampoo, as it does not lather?  It feels like lotion being slathered upon your head, and you have to trust that as soon as you rinse and dry, you will not be left with hair the texture of a Shamwow that’s just soaked up a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper and forgotten about.

Now this product doesn’t necessarily do that. It will get your hair clean.  However, if you don’t rinse it out really really good, you will get that dirty Shamwow feeling, and it’s not pleasant.  In fact, I had to wash my hair an extra day that week because I had greasy hair the exact second I turned off my blow dryer.  Drat.  I do not have time for that.

In other words, I’m sticking with good old fashioned shampoo and conditioner.  And my weekly Carol’s Daughter hair mask.

Speaking of old fashioned shampoo and conditioner, the Swell volumizing pair came from jolly ol’ England and therefore super cute and adorable.  But I know the majority of you will probably never buy it since I imagine the popularity of this blog hasn’t quite reached all the way around the world yet.  However, that’s beside the point.  The point is that I did not like the smell of this brand and I wouldn’t buy the full size anyway.  Regardless of aforementioned cuteness.

Last thing in the batch is the leave-in conditioning treatment by Davine’s called OI / All in One Milk.  I used this product in conjunction with their shampoo and conditioner, and it worked just fine.  It was on the lighter side of creamy, and it did not make my hair feel heavy, sticky, dirty – or any other negative-type hair words.  But I wasn’t wowed to the point of speechlessness or anything, so I most likely won’t repurchase.

In keeping with the positive tone in this blog post, I give you Makeup Removers:

These two products I honestly did like.  I was starting to feel like a bit of a nitpicky hag there for a second.  Perhaps you felt it too?  Anyway.

First item is the Caudalie Gentle Cleansing Milk.  Let me preface by saying I cannot live without my cleansing milk.  I believe it is vital to getting my face as clean as possible.  I mean, I do full-on makeup every single day.  I can’t get by with a little swirl of a makeup wipe.  I need hardcore removal – as hardcore as something with the word ‘gentle’ in the title can be, that is.  So I was happy with this Caudalie one.  I didn’t think the smell of it was anything to write home about, but that’s just me being a brat right now.  Would I repurchase?  Yes.  After I try all the other cleansing milks in all the land. Might be awhile.

Then I got the Sephora waterproof eye makeup remover. I thought this worked pretty good. About on par with all the rest of them. That’s not a bad thing, you know, to be average. I mean I still graduated high school with a “D” in Geometry.   And no one has asked me to proof an angle since. So see? Average will get you far in this life. Just look at this blog.   And the fact I can bend my tongue backward and it will stick to itself.

What am I going on about? I dunno. All I’m saying is the Sephora remover will work for you. If you feel like spending $10 on it.

I got makeup trash:

My very first foray into gel eyeliner was this little pot of Maybelline Eye Studio gel eyeliner.  Now, I’m not an expert or anything, but every YouTube guru who applies gel liner does so with this tremendous amount of fluidity and ease.  I expected at least half these results.  But my lines were always patchy and draggy and not pretty.  It took me nigh on 15 years to make it look presentable because, let’s face it, once you start with the gel eyeliner you can’t take it back.  Unless you want a raccoon-eyed mess on your hands. (I don’t.)

Figured out (perhaps, maybe), my little pot dried out.  So I bought a different brand and it’s creamy and delicious.  Not to say it won’t dry out either in a few weeks, but for the moment, it’s lovely.  I am tossing the Maybelline because it’s unsalvageable.  I could probably mush it around with a spatula to make it soft again, but that equals effort, and I have none to give at this point.

My little sample bottle of Urban Decay All Nighter makeup setting spray didn’t last very long, but it was enough to let me know I needed to buy another one in the oil-control version.  I really liked spritzing this on my face after my makeup.  It made me feel like I’d completed a process or something.  However, I’m not sure if my makeup stayed on any longer than normal because of it.  I mean, if you don’t make some kind of dramatic improvement, chances are any slight change goes very much unnoticed.  Stay tuned for a review on the De-Slick setting spray, though.  That one I do notice a difference.

The Be A Bombshell Lash Out mascara that I received in my Ipsy bag this past month has already gone straight into the garbage.  It smells like radioactive material and burning plastic got married and had a baby.  Just icky.  I don’t know if that was the intended smell – as me and 10 billion other Ipsy subscribers experienced the same thing – but I couldn’t bring myself to continue using it.  My eyelashes are virtually non-existent as it is; why would I want to kill them further with toxic mascara?

Next up is the Napoleon Perdis Auto Pilot foundation primer.  This item has gone directly to my full-size wishlist.  I love it.  It’s not too lotion-y, nor too silicone-y.  It feels cooling and gentle on the face, which is a nice sensation at about 6:30 in the morning.  Again, I have no idea if it made my foundation last longer because my brain doesn’t compute in a manner that benefits this blog.  However, if you’re big on texture, you might like this stuff.  I mean I do, and I’m right about 97.94766% of the time.

If you’re into heavily siliconed primers, then the Smashbox Photo Finish one is right up your alley.  I didn’t dislike this primer.  In fact, I think it might’ve helped control my t-zone oil a bit.  However, it’s a straight up silicone coat.  In fact, the ingredients are water and then silicone.  So if that’s your jam, then put this little baby in your pocket.  I may repurchase this one day in the future.

Now, for bathing:

The Aqua Spa body creme was alright. I’m not opposed to a relaxing lotion right before bedtime. I was a little bummed this Walmart product was in my high-end Glossybox, but aside from that I would repurchase. The smell was of lavender and it soaked in pretty good. And it did feel nice laying in bed smelling like one of those sachets you put in your panty drawer.

I had a body wash emergency and the closest thing to me was the Apotheke:M body cleanser in Mandarin Guava. What can you really say about a body wash other than it smelled good and it took the dirt off? A whole lotta nothing. Moving on.

I enjoy a good body butter, especially ones that disappear into your skin without leaving behind a sticky residue. The Perlier Shea Butter body balm does that. It had a really nice texture, which as you know is one of my favorite things in life. However, I wasn’t a fan of the almond smell because it was too sweet.

An almond smell that was perfect in every way was from the L’Occitane Supple Skin Oil. Oh my, how I love this stuff. It’s an oil must that you spray on your damp body after your bath or shower. It absorbs quickly and leaves your skin feeling so soft and lovely, especially if you’ve just shaved your legs – you know, roughly twice a week. Please tell me I’m not the only one this lazy.

In my defense, I have a medical condition that causes a horrible uneven shave if I do it every day. Certainly can’t be caused by a blunt razor or anything. Cuz that wouldn’t make any sense at all.

Lawd, are we done yet?  No.  Here’s some serumy things:

The little tiny tube of Murad T-Zone Pore Refining serum was just okay. It sounds like it would be right up my alley seeing as how I have pores the size of Utah. (An exaggeration but only slight.) But I didn’t like the stickiness of this serum, and there was only enough in the sample for about 4-5 days use – you know, adequate enough time to refine my pores about zero percent. So never mind then.

Another serum that impressed me less was TheBalm Pomegranate Restorative facial serum. This had the consistency of moisturizer, so it didn’t feel like a serum at all. Putting moisturizer on top of it was just too much. To top it all off, my pump stopped working so I was forced to manually scoop it out with a tiny spatula. That lasted all of two seconds before I decided it wasn’t worth the trouble.

This last thing would have to be the most adventurous thing I’ve ever put on my face in the name of beauty. It’s the Perricone MD Blue Plasma daily exfoliant, it’s made from salmon egg enzyme and it has the most delightful fish hatchery aroma you’ve ever smelled. Most importantly, however: Did it work? Yes, I do believe so. My fave looked clearer, brighter and more even. Not drastically, but enough where I could notice. And honestly, the smell didn’t hang around longer than 10 seconds or so. I mean, you could hold your breath longer than that if necessary. Because the product is worth the trouble.

Pep up, people. We’re at the last category: A crap-ton of moisturizers:

I have never used an oil moisturizer before, and I was really impressed with the Jane Scrivner Skin Elixir. It went on oily, and the smell was more herbal-y than floral. But give it a few minutes to sink in and you will be left with some baby soft skin – not what I expected from an oil at all. It was nice, something different, and I look forward to trying more of this kind.

Next item is a daytime moisturizer, the Dermalogica Dynamic Skin Recovery with SPF 50. I don’t have any complaints on this one. I feel like I’m being obnoxious when I repeatedly go on and on about texture, but that’s pretty much what it boils down to for me. This felt nice on my face. I trust that it protected my skin from the sun properly, but how am I to really know? That is why I judge almost everything by texture. It’s a very tangible thing.

The ReVive Volumizing Eye Serum is hands down the most expensive product I’ve ever put on my face. A full size of this cost $350, so I savored every last drop of this sample like it was liquid gold, which I suppose it was. It had a thin consistency and took a bit to sink in, but it honestly helped with the fine lines under my eye. I was quite impressed, but I suppose for $350 it better do something. Am I going to repurchase? No. Have I mentioned it costs $350?

One product that kind of intrigued me was the Karin Herzog Vita-A-Kombi 2 oxygen cream. I had to buy a brush to apply this stuff otherwise the oxygen goodness would absorb right through my fingers and never get to my face. Apparently the second it touches skin it turns to gas, which despite the scary nature of that scenario, gas is good. Anyway, I got about two days use from the tube so no matter how fancy it made itself out to be, the effects were a no show. I may consider trying a full size in the future. However, for $80 I probably won’t. I’ve yet to get that crazy.

Based on texture alone, the Orlane Hydro-Matifying Care face cream had me searching eBay to see how many sample tubes I could buy to equal a full size, and how cheaply that would work out. Turns out that involved a lot of math so I clicked out and moved on. But I enjoyed this cream tremendously. I may still consider the sample tubes, so I’ve put it on my wish list. I will say, though, I didn’t notice a lot of matifying. But for the sheer delight of application, I could overlook it.

And the last product of the whole bunch is the StriVectin stretch mark and wrinkle cream. Nothing says almost 40 like a cream designed to fix your stretch marks and wrinkles. Still sexy, I swear. Despite all evidence to the contrary.

I loved the almost peppermint-y sensation of this cream. I used it for about a week before it mysteriously disappeared. I was actually bummed about it cuz I did like this product. I moved on halfheartedly. Then about three weeks later, I found the cream inside my little carrier tote of cleaning supplies. So for one, I have no idea how it got in the tote. And two, now you know how often I dust and clean my toilet.

That’s it! You’ve made it to the end and you still have time for a midnight snack. Thanks for sticking it out with me. You + Me = Best Friends. Good night!