The good thing about the end of August is my birthday. Also, fall weather is approaching. The bad thing is that winter is right around the corner and I haaaate winter. In fact, if hating winter was a job, I’d be like Employee of the Month. Every month. Blech.

Empties time! Here’s some bath stuff:

The bottle of Julien Farel Restore is about half empty. I just couldn’t do it. This product is designed for use on dry hair and replaces your shampoo and conditioner on the day you use it. Well that’s well and good, but my hair comes to my mid-back and trying to adequately coat my dry hair in this stuff took me about 20 minutes and I used half the bottle. I might’ve been using it wrong. But regardless, it wasn’t any fun whatsoever and I actually dreaded using it again. Not only that, but my hair had a weird texture during the blow dry that it’d never had before.

So no thank you is all I have to say about that. I decided not to finish the bottle and put myself through unnecessary stress. I am so grown up, I impress even me.

I just reviewed the body wash from Not Soap, Radio that came in my August Birchbox, so feel free to refer back to that post. However, if you want a tiny synopsis, I will tell you this smelled like lemons and it cleaned my body. What else do you really need to know? It’s body wash. It does what it do. I’d buy it again. The end.

Last product is the baby wash by Original Sprout. I got this in a Vegan Cuts box and it’s for babies. How I ended up with it is beyond me but I used it anyway. It smells exactly like baby shampoo which is such a nice, comforting scent. I didn’t wash my hair with it, only my body and I enjoyed it. Probably for nostalgic reasons only, but still. I can’t say I wouldn’t repurchase because it truly was a nice product, but I’m pretty certain I won’t cuz I don’t hang out in the baby aisle too often. Not on purpose anyway.

My favorite word – serums! See below:

Only two serum empties this month cuz I was using an actual full size product. The Farmhouse Fresh Wine Down serum is sold at the spa where I work. Well, I don’t work AT the spa, but it’s very very close to me. In fact it’s in such close proximity I feel an impending credit card situation happening almost constantly. It’s too easy to just walk over there on lunch break. I mean, they don’t make you scan fingerprints or get pat-downs or anything else undesirable in order to shop there. No, they just leave the door unlocked all willy nilly and you can just walk in all you want.

But back to the serum. It’s got the same antioxidants in it that’s in red wine. I don’t know what that means in terms of skincare, but I love wine so …

InStyle magazine selected this as one of their best products for serious skin repair. In other words, it’s made with red wine and I love red wine.

Wait, it’s not made out of red wine. Just has the same properties as red wine. It will protect your skin from dirty outside stuff as well as helping you to look bright eyed, hydrated, and flawless. Plus you use it while you sleep so no morning effort required. I really really liked this serum. I felt like it gave my skin just this really nice evenness it didn’t have before. I looked very “clean” if that makes sense. Plus it was red in color and smelled like tart grapes. Probably due to the wine. Mmmm, wine. Did I mention it has wine in it? Welllll, it does.

Next serum is a facial oil type thingy from MUN. It is for brightening youth, which we all love and want. I had to contact the company to verify how to use this product, as it’s an oil not a lotion or even something silicon-y that I get with a lot of serums. They swore to me this was a serum and should be used as moisturizer or before additional moisturizer if your skin needs it.

Well regardless of what it is, it smells like pickles.

Other people go on and on about its lovely smell. Apparently it is the true smell of roses. Well, herbally smells must go right over my head cuz I was not thinking roses not even a little bit. It was pickles. Or maybe it is what I imagine a cactus to smell like. I dunno. But definitely not roses.

On a better note, this stuff absorbed nicely and left my skin feeling very very soft.

And now for some face stuff:

Got a couple of TheBalm products in here. Last fall, Hautelook had them on sale about every other week or so (seems like) so I collected like every eyeshadow palette and a whole slew of skincare. I’ve liked most of the stuff I’ve tried. This cucumber toner felt refreshing on the skin. Price was pretty decent at $12.50, although I paid about $6 for it. The blueberry mask, however, is a little misleading. I was expecting a blueberry explosion, but it was merely white in color with no fruity smell whatsoever. As far as its mask skills go, I did like it. It left my skin feeling very smooth and soft. It also lasts light years. I swear it replicated itself after every use. I got bored with using it since I had like eons worth of other masks to try, so I tossed it before it was completely empty. Yes I feel guilty.

I really loved the Boscia Detoxifying Black Cleanser. I’d buy a big o tub of it without a second thought. It’s because it’s different. It does something physical to your skin. It may not clean worth a shit, but it warms up upon contact with your skin and smells vaguely like Good ‘N Plenty. Yaaaasss! I could eat Good ‘N Plenties for hours and not get tired. I loooooove me some black licorice. One of my most favorite tastes. Right up there with coconut and dark chocolate. I find it strange that most of the world aren’t fans of black licorice. I’m like, why?! It’s delicious. But more for me, I guess.

Are we still talking about the Boscia cleanser? No. Licorice. Yummy.

One cleanser that bored me straight to tears was the Algenist Gentle Rejuvenating cleanser. There was just nothing special about it. It was very thick, had a pearly paste consistency, and clung to your skin as you were applying it. Maybe that means it was sucking all the dirt out. Maybe that means it was annoying to wipe off cuz you felt you could never quite get it all. Maybe I’m just a brat who should sit back down cuz apparently everyone else in the world loves it. Yeah, that’s probably it. Okay.

Next up, lotion:

Despite having the name of something that isn’t a recognize able smell, the Ayres body butter in Patagonia is a pretty darn good product. It smells sort of like herbs so it isn’t the most refreshing, but it sinks in very fast. I can tolerate a less than lovely smell for the sake of a non-sticky body butter. I am going to buy a full size of this very soon cuz I’ve tried lots of body butters, and this is one of the best. Might try a different scent though.

One smell I couldn’t tolerate was the one coming from the tube of Lavilin Jojoba Skin Soother. It was super no bueno. Unless you like wet dog or rusty penny smell spread all over your body. That’s not even a joke. Like it was so bad I had to spritz myself with some expired Victoria’s Secret coconut body mist (i.e., poison) so I could tolerate my own self. And it’s unfortunate too cuz this was hands down the BEST absorbent lotion I’ve ever tried.

Last thing is from my August Birchbox, the SeaRX Birchsap Moisturizing lotion. This was a great product. A lot lighter than the Ayres body butter and smelled better too. Sank in fast as well. Sounds like I like this better than the Ayres doesn’t it? Well, if I want a light lotion, then yes. The full size price is the same for both – $28. I would be happy owning either one, but for nights when I want a bit more hydration, the Ayres works best for me.

Lord, are we done? No. Here’s some primers:

I was dying to try something from the Cover|FX brand. Dying so much that I literally didn’t care what it was. So when I saw this little travel size tube of mattifying primer with anti-acne treatment, I threw it in the basket without another thought. Do I have an acne problem? No. But that’s beside the point.

I’m not gonna say this primer solved all my problems. It’s heavily siliconed, but I didn’t think it kept me from getting oily. And it certainly didn’t mattify me to the degree I thought it should. However, I will say I used this under my Giorgio Armani Luminous Silk foundation and it caused the finish to not be luminous. So I guess it does work somewhat. Just not in the way I was expecting. Or maybe I’m just not meant to be matte. Maybe my life hates me and is punishing me in an oily t-zone, cavernous pores sort of way.

Traded in some Sephora points for this little sample of the Make Up For Ever HD primer. I liked this pretty good. It had a lotiony texture but was very light and sunk in super fast so it didn’t feel like I was adding another layer of moisturizer which I do not like. I would most definitely repurchase this one. Of course, I have enough primers in my stash that I could pass a few down to my granddaughters one day, so who knows if I’ll actually get around to buying a new one. Hashtag hoarder.

Shhhhh. I know.

I’ve had this tube of Urban Decay eyeshadow primer potion for almost a year and I used it every single day. Talk about value for your money. I occasionally threw in a few days of sampling other brands like Lorac, Too Faced and TheBalm, but I liked Urban Decay better than all of them. My left eyelid has a major creasing issue because it can’t behave itself like a proper eyelid and stay up where it belongs. I have never had one single solitary crease problem when using the Urban Decay. This will definitely be repurchased once I empty out my other samples.

Last category, y’all. Makeups:

I absolutely love this Lorac Front of the Line Pro eyeliner pen. Like seriously hot and heavy true love. It is super black, easy to apply and lasts for a long time. The tip is very precise and I created my first winged liner look with this pen. I highly recommend which means you should probably just go ahead and put it in your basket. K, thanks.

I’m not throwing out this Beauty Without Cruelty Natural Mineral Eyeliner but I’m sure as hell not keeping it. I reviewed it in my recent Petit Vour box, and my review still stands: Do. Not. Like. Well, it’s not black black, it’s a blurry black and I’m not interested in that. When I wore it I felt like my eye makeup was half finished or something, which made my OCD kick in. Like I literally couldn’t concentrate on anything else. So in the name of medical necessity, I’m passing it along to my mom where I know it will be loved and cared for properly.

I went back and forth several times on whether to keep or toss the Benefit They’re Real Push-Up Liner. I liked it then hated it. Then liked it kind of but still pretty much hated it. Thing is, if you’re speedy and proper with applying your eyeliner, you’ll probably love this. If you take eons like me, this stuff with dry up and crumble off your eyeball before you’ve even thought about finishing. My OCD just won’t let me live and let live. I’m that person who can see a barely skewed photo frame on a wall with her eyes clothes. Like I can literally feel its crookedness. So when I see a not so perfect liner, I will fiddle and fiddle and fiddle with it until I’m satisfied. In other words, I can’t own this liner. It doesn’t play nice with my neurosis.

Last empty is this L’oreal Colour Riche Extraordinaire lipgloss in Coral Encore. It’s not a bad product necessarily. The color was pretty and it went well with my skin tone. But it was mildly sticky and I just couldn’t deal. I’d find goopy pieces of it collected on the inner rim of my mouth and it looked so awful. Now keep in mind I have a horrible flaky lip skin condition, so I’m sure that had something to do with it. But life’s too short to mess with goopy lipgloss. On to the next. And there’s always a next.

Well that’s it lovies. Thanks for staying up past your bedtime to read this long post. It only took me 3 days to write so it was the least you could do. Til next time!

It’s trash time already.  Go ahead and cancel the rest of your plans for the day.  I mean, it will take me 15 years to write this post; the least you can do is sit down and read it.  And also lovingly appreciate how I’ve artfully displayed each product atop my beige bathroom towel for you.

Well, why do something if not fancy?

Here’s some hair stuff:

The Macadamia Flawless Cleansing Conditioner sounds like the perfect product for those people who don’t have time to wash AND condition.  It’s a shampoo and conditioner in one!  Genius!  Except that already exists in Pert-Plus form.  So really what is this product but the antithesis of a shampoo, as it does not lather?  It feels like lotion being slathered upon your head, and you have to trust that as soon as you rinse and dry, you will not be left with hair the texture of a Shamwow that’s just soaked up a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper and forgotten about.

Now this product doesn’t necessarily do that. It will get your hair clean.  However, if you don’t rinse it out really really good, you will get that dirty Shamwow feeling, and it’s not pleasant.  In fact, I had to wash my hair an extra day that week because I had greasy hair the exact second I turned off my blow dryer.  Drat.  I do not have time for that.

In other words, I’m sticking with good old fashioned shampoo and conditioner.  And my weekly Carol’s Daughter hair mask.

Speaking of old fashioned shampoo and conditioner, the Swell volumizing pair came from jolly ol’ England and therefore super cute and adorable.  But I know the majority of you will probably never buy it since I imagine the popularity of this blog hasn’t quite reached all the way around the world yet.  However, that’s beside the point.  The point is that I did not like the smell of this brand and I wouldn’t buy the full size anyway.  Regardless of aforementioned cuteness.

Last thing in the batch is the leave-in conditioning treatment by Davine’s called OI / All in One Milk.  I used this product in conjunction with their shampoo and conditioner, and it worked just fine.  It was on the lighter side of creamy, and it did not make my hair feel heavy, sticky, dirty – or any other negative-type hair words.  But I wasn’t wowed to the point of speechlessness or anything, so I most likely won’t repurchase.

In keeping with the positive tone in this blog post, I give you Makeup Removers:

These two products I honestly did like.  I was starting to feel like a bit of a nitpicky hag there for a second.  Perhaps you felt it too?  Anyway.

First item is the Caudalie Gentle Cleansing Milk.  Let me preface by saying I cannot live without my cleansing milk.  I believe it is vital to getting my face as clean as possible.  I mean, I do full-on makeup every single day.  I can’t get by with a little swirl of a makeup wipe.  I need hardcore removal – as hardcore as something with the word ‘gentle’ in the title can be, that is.  So I was happy with this Caudalie one.  I didn’t think the smell of it was anything to write home about, but that’s just me being a brat right now.  Would I repurchase?  Yes.  After I try all the other cleansing milks in all the land. Might be awhile.

Then I got the Sephora waterproof eye makeup remover. I thought this worked pretty good. About on par with all the rest of them. That’s not a bad thing, you know, to be average. I mean I still graduated high school with a “D” in Geometry.   And no one has asked me to proof an angle since. So see? Average will get you far in this life. Just look at this blog.   And the fact I can bend my tongue backward and it will stick to itself.

What am I going on about? I dunno. All I’m saying is the Sephora remover will work for you. If you feel like spending $10 on it.

I got makeup trash:

My very first foray into gel eyeliner was this little pot of Maybelline Eye Studio gel eyeliner.  Now, I’m not an expert or anything, but every YouTube guru who applies gel liner does so with this tremendous amount of fluidity and ease.  I expected at least half these results.  But my lines were always patchy and draggy and not pretty.  It took me nigh on 15 years to make it look presentable because, let’s face it, once you start with the gel eyeliner you can’t take it back.  Unless you want a raccoon-eyed mess on your hands. (I don’t.)

Figured out (perhaps, maybe), my little pot dried out.  So I bought a different brand and it’s creamy and delicious.  Not to say it won’t dry out either in a few weeks, but for the moment, it’s lovely.  I am tossing the Maybelline because it’s unsalvageable.  I could probably mush it around with a spatula to make it soft again, but that equals effort, and I have none to give at this point.

My little sample bottle of Urban Decay All Nighter makeup setting spray didn’t last very long, but it was enough to let me know I needed to buy another one in the oil-control version.  I really liked spritzing this on my face after my makeup.  It made me feel like I’d completed a process or something.  However, I’m not sure if my makeup stayed on any longer than normal because of it.  I mean, if you don’t make some kind of dramatic improvement, chances are any slight change goes very much unnoticed.  Stay tuned for a review on the De-Slick setting spray, though.  That one I do notice a difference.

The Be A Bombshell Lash Out mascara that I received in my Ipsy bag this past month has already gone straight into the garbage.  It smells like radioactive material and burning plastic got married and had a baby.  Just icky.  I don’t know if that was the intended smell – as me and 10 billion other Ipsy subscribers experienced the same thing – but I couldn’t bring myself to continue using it.  My eyelashes are virtually non-existent as it is; why would I want to kill them further with toxic mascara?

Next up is the Napoleon Perdis Auto Pilot foundation primer.  This item has gone directly to my full-size wishlist.  I love it.  It’s not too lotion-y, nor too silicone-y.  It feels cooling and gentle on the face, which is a nice sensation at about 6:30 in the morning.  Again, I have no idea if it made my foundation last longer because my brain doesn’t compute in a manner that benefits this blog.  However, if you’re big on texture, you might like this stuff.  I mean I do, and I’m right about 97.94766% of the time.

If you’re into heavily siliconed primers, then the Smashbox Photo Finish one is right up your alley.  I didn’t dislike this primer.  In fact, I think it might’ve helped control my t-zone oil a bit.  However, it’s a straight up silicone coat.  In fact, the ingredients are water and then silicone.  So if that’s your jam, then put this little baby in your pocket.  I may repurchase this one day in the future.

Now, for bathing:

The Aqua Spa body creme was alright. I’m not opposed to a relaxing lotion right before bedtime. I was a little bummed this Walmart product was in my high-end Glossybox, but aside from that I would repurchase. The smell was of lavender and it soaked in pretty good. And it did feel nice laying in bed smelling like one of those sachets you put in your panty drawer.

I had a body wash emergency and the closest thing to me was the Apotheke:M body cleanser in Mandarin Guava. What can you really say about a body wash other than it smelled good and it took the dirt off? A whole lotta nothing. Moving on.

I enjoy a good body butter, especially ones that disappear into your skin without leaving behind a sticky residue. The Perlier Shea Butter body balm does that. It had a really nice texture, which as you know is one of my favorite things in life. However, I wasn’t a fan of the almond smell because it was too sweet.

An almond smell that was perfect in every way was from the L’Occitane Supple Skin Oil. Oh my, how I love this stuff. It’s an oil must that you spray on your damp body after your bath or shower. It absorbs quickly and leaves your skin feeling so soft and lovely, especially if you’ve just shaved your legs – you know, roughly twice a week. Please tell me I’m not the only one this lazy.

In my defense, I have a medical condition that causes a horrible uneven shave if I do it every day. Certainly can’t be caused by a blunt razor or anything. Cuz that wouldn’t make any sense at all.

Lawd, are we done yet?  No.  Here’s some serumy things:

The little tiny tube of Murad T-Zone Pore Refining serum was just okay. It sounds like it would be right up my alley seeing as how I have pores the size of Utah. (An exaggeration but only slight.) But I didn’t like the stickiness of this serum, and there was only enough in the sample for about 4-5 days use – you know, adequate enough time to refine my pores about zero percent. So never mind then.

Another serum that impressed me less was TheBalm Pomegranate Restorative facial serum. This had the consistency of moisturizer, so it didn’t feel like a serum at all. Putting moisturizer on top of it was just too much. To top it all off, my pump stopped working so I was forced to manually scoop it out with a tiny spatula. That lasted all of two seconds before I decided it wasn’t worth the trouble.

This last thing would have to be the most adventurous thing I’ve ever put on my face in the name of beauty. It’s the Perricone MD Blue Plasma daily exfoliant, it’s made from salmon egg enzyme and it has the most delightful fish hatchery aroma you’ve ever smelled. Most importantly, however: Did it work? Yes, I do believe so. My fave looked clearer, brighter and more even. Not drastically, but enough where I could notice. And honestly, the smell didn’t hang around longer than 10 seconds or so. I mean, you could hold your breath longer than that if necessary. Because the product is worth the trouble.

Pep up, people. We’re at the last category: A crap-ton of moisturizers:

I have never used an oil moisturizer before, and I was really impressed with the Jane Scrivner Skin Elixir. It went on oily, and the smell was more herbal-y than floral. But give it a few minutes to sink in and you will be left with some baby soft skin – not what I expected from an oil at all. It was nice, something different, and I look forward to trying more of this kind.

Next item is a daytime moisturizer, the Dermalogica Dynamic Skin Recovery with SPF 50. I don’t have any complaints on this one. I feel like I’m being obnoxious when I repeatedly go on and on about texture, but that’s pretty much what it boils down to for me. This felt nice on my face. I trust that it protected my skin from the sun properly, but how am I to really know? That is why I judge almost everything by texture. It’s a very tangible thing.

The ReVive Volumizing Eye Serum is hands down the most expensive product I’ve ever put on my face. A full size of this cost $350, so I savored every last drop of this sample like it was liquid gold, which I suppose it was. It had a thin consistency and took a bit to sink in, but it honestly helped with the fine lines under my eye. I was quite impressed, but I suppose for $350 it better do something. Am I going to repurchase? No. Have I mentioned it costs $350?

One product that kind of intrigued me was the Karin Herzog Vita-A-Kombi 2 oxygen cream. I had to buy a brush to apply this stuff otherwise the oxygen goodness would absorb right through my fingers and never get to my face. Apparently the second it touches skin it turns to gas, which despite the scary nature of that scenario, gas is good. Anyway, I got about two days use from the tube so no matter how fancy it made itself out to be, the effects were a no show. I may consider trying a full size in the future. However, for $80 I probably won’t. I’ve yet to get that crazy.

Based on texture alone, the Orlane Hydro-Matifying Care face cream had me searching eBay to see how many sample tubes I could buy to equal a full size, and how cheaply that would work out. Turns out that involved a lot of math so I clicked out and moved on. But I enjoyed this cream tremendously. I may still consider the sample tubes, so I’ve put it on my wish list. I will say, though, I didn’t notice a lot of matifying. But for the sheer delight of application, I could overlook it.

And the last product of the whole bunch is the StriVectin stretch mark and wrinkle cream. Nothing says almost 40 like a cream designed to fix your stretch marks and wrinkles. Still sexy, I swear. Despite all evidence to the contrary.

I loved the almost peppermint-y sensation of this cream. I used it for about a week before it mysteriously disappeared. I was actually bummed about it cuz I did like this product. I moved on halfheartedly. Then about three weeks later, I found the cream inside my little carrier tote of cleaning supplies. So for one, I have no idea how it got in the tote. And two, now you know how often I dust and clean my toilet.

That’s it! You’ve made it to the end and you still have time for a midnight snack. Thanks for sticking it out with me. You + Me = Best Friends. Good night!

Another month, another bag of trash. Got a whole load of empties for you my friends, so go ahead and cancel all your plans for today.

Let’s begin.

Face cleaning stuffs:

I went back to using my ol standby, the Equate version of the Neutrogena eye makeup remover. I used this exclusively for several years, but I had been trying different brands just for fun the last few months. For whatever reason though, I didn’t love it this time around. Did someone jack with the formula while I was away? Is this my punishment or something? Needless to say, I’m trying a Sephora brand right now cuz I don’t have time to be disappointed.

I’m not a huge fan of cleansing oils but I got this Josie Maran one in a kit so I couldn’t not use it because I would feel very guilty about it – another thing I don’t have time for. It did a good job of breaking up my makeup though, and it was probably the best one I’ve ever used. But I won’t buy a full size. However, if you’re the type who enjoys oil cleansers, I recommend giving this one a try.

Got a microdermabrasion cream from Miracle Skin Transformer. I think these products are so very boring. I’m sure there’s awesome benefits to scrubbing your face with these, but all I ever remember is feeling the microbeads all over my butt as I’m sitting in the bathtub. Cuz even though I rinse my tub out after every use, those beads are clingers. So after Skincare Sunday rolls around, my bath on Monday is always an experience.

Other than that, it exfoliates just fine. Buy some if you are so inclined.

Last deal in the batch is a cleanser from Kimberly Parry Organics. This sample didn’t last very long, so I couldn’t really form much of an opinion. But I will say this was not as creamy as the title implies. It was a loose consistency, not a thick rich cream like you’d be expecting. So a bit of a bummer there. If you’re super into textures like me, you’d understand exactly how I’m feeling right now. And also, you may continue to read this blog.

Now, body stuff:

I really liked this Soap & Glory Flake Away body scrub. It was a very gentle scrub with a nice clean scent. And my skin was so super soft after using this. I will be repurchasing this as soon as I’m done with this other sub par scrub I bought at TJ Maxx for $5.

Speaking of sub par, here’s something completely opposite. A body butter by Josie Maran. This stuff is glorious. First of all, the whipped consistency is what all other body butters need to be measured against. I mean, it’s almost exactly like sticking your fingers in a tub of Cool Whip, and I don’t know anybody who wouldn’t love to do that.

The scent, however, is objectionable. I got Sweet Citrus, which sounds like it’d be amazing. But it took me a minute. First application and I’m thinking it smelled like fresh cut grass, which quickly turned to more of a skunk smell. But then I switched my brainwave and decided it was actually a grapefruit smell, and after that I just loved it. So I don’t know if you have these same magical powers as me, but if so, go get this! Or you can just buy the vanilla apricot one instead. That might be a safer bet.

Real quick on this Caldrea body wash. I used it, it was fine. It wasn’t super tropical smelling, but maybe you’re fine with all that. You get it at Target. Probably other places as well, but I can’t do all your research for you. Otherwise, how will you learn to maneuver through life?

Last one is a face and body scrub by Bella Pelle. I decided I was just gonna use this on my body, and that turned out to be a very good decision. Cuz this stuff does not smell good not one bit. And this is coming from someone who’s been using a daily face peel made with salmon egg enzyme for the past month. So you know it must be bad. If you can get past the smell, I salute you. Why they couldn’t have thrown a wad of flowers or a lemon in the mix is beyond me. Straight up cornmeal mush. Blech.

Serums, et al:

When I used up the last of the Ahava Dead Sea Osmoter Concentrate, I about had a dramatic cry, complete with floor wallering, open-mouthed gasping and several whhhhhyyeeeeeee?!?!?s. This stuff had a super silky texture, and I swear I looked brighter and more youthful. Well worth every penny and I will repurchase one day when I finally decide to stop sampling everything on Planet Earth.

Then I was using this SkinCeuticals Hydrating B5 Gel, and I was quite impressed. It was a liquidy moisturizer that sank into your skin almost immediately and left behind this wonderful silkiness. Full size is $78, which means it’s ultra fancy and also I’ll probably never use it again. Oh well.

One product that I did end up buying a full size of is the Paula’s Choice 2% BHA Liquid. After about a week of using this, my pore size looked better, my face looked brighter, and even a coworker noticed something was different about me. That last thing occurred about 2.5 seconds before I went online and bought another bottle. Cuz that’s the gold standard of any product: notices from coworkers. If they give you a compliment, whatever is the cause of it is your new best friend.

I was curious about the Tarte maracuja eye cream, so I purchase a little jar of it on eBay for $12. I didn’t want to buy the full size in case I didn’t love it, and honestly, that was a pretty genius move on my part. Cuz I didn’t like this stuff that much. It was super thick, and stayed greasy under my eye for a long time. And I didn’t notice that it brightened anything at all. But according to the rest of the world, this product is great. Therefore I = idiot.

Last item is a moisturizer from Darphin that cost $295 in its full size form. So I relished this tiny sample like there was gold in it. Which it very well could have. This was a super rich and luxurious cream that I will never ever own again in my lifetime. Feel sorry for me yet? No? Okay, moving on.

Presenting: Matching Skincare Set!

Got this little kit of 29 skincare from Target right before my trip to Chicago last month. It included a cleanser, toner wipes (not pictured), serum, night cream and day cream. As a whole, this kit was alright. I really loved the day cream because it had a velvety texture, which is all I ever care about when it comes to moisturizers. And the serum was nice as well. But the toner pads weren’t very wet, and maybe that was the intention but I don’t prefer it. And the night cream was super duper thick and took forever to sink into my skin. But the worst of all was the cleanser. It had the most disgusting smell, and I just couldn’t do it. Like, I gave it a good try and everything, but it was so unbelievably gross. And I can tolerate some smell, per salmon egg enzyme previously mentioned. But I ain’t a superhero or anything, although I’m often mistaken for one.

Best quality photo award goes to:

Lawd. I’m not even sure how that happened.

Anyway. This Jonathan Product Volume Shampoo was no bueno. It was thin, smell was not that great, and it didn’t come with a conditioner. I used about 1/4 of this and decided to set it free.

Hair oils last forever I think. When you get down to the end of the bottle, they replicate and suddenly you still have a month’s worth of use left. So I decided to give this I.C.O.N. India Oil a couple weeks and then I was gonna move on. And that’s exactly what I did. It helped that this oil smelled like a male 70s porn star who walked into a swingers club with chest hair on full display.

Proof that hair oils replicate. I got this Mastey one from a Glossybox back in the fall, and there’s still a ton of product left in the bottle. But I got bored of using it, so I tossed it. Plus I had several other hair oil samples that I couldn’t get to because the Mastey just would not die.

Aside from that, this is a very nice hair oil and if I didn’t have other hair oils waiting patiently (or not so, in this case), I would have gladly finished up the bottle. This is how my brain works. Do not try to understand.

Last thing is the Alterna Caviar CC Cream for hair. I really liked this stuff. I thought it helped soften my hair and made it sleeker and less crazy. I would buy this again for sure. It’s not a miracle product or anything, but I think it’s worth the money.

Last batch. Makeup:

I freaking love this Laura Geller Spackle foundation primer. It’s primarily a texture issue, but that’s really the only thing that counts in my book as far as primers go. It feels cool on the face, absorbs easily, and smooths and softens. I put it on my list of products to repurchase. After I use up the 15 other primers I’ve hoarded, that is.

Last thing is a lip plumper from Michael Marcus. First of all, lemme just say this doesn’t plump for shit. And I gave it plenty of opportunity. I used this product every single day for 6 months. Lip status: status quo.

But I did like it for what I used it for. I would apply this in the morning as the very first step in my routine. It had a peppermint sensation, so it felt cooling and nice on the lips and helped to wake me up. By the time I finished my makeup, my lips were properly hydrated and ready for lipstick. So it wasn’t a complete bust of a product despite its ridiculous plumping claims.

We’ve made it to the end. Is everyone awake? If so, you are loved. Trust me.

More later. Goodnight!

Is it just me or has this year flown by super fast?  We are in the 5th month already, people!  What is happening to time?  Someone’s got their finger on the fast forward button or something and they need to STOP IT.

Okay, it’s empties time again.  Go take your potty break and grab a bag of Doritos – the whole bag – cuz we gonna be here for awhile.  In fact, whatever you had planned today, go ahead and cancel.

Let’s get started.  Here’s the first batch:

If you like the smell of fruit, specifically grapefruit, you will love this Gud Red Ruby Groovy body wash.  It is a tropical vacation in a bottle and makes you have delicious skin.  I also have the matching body lotion, and the two together are a powerhouse.  I just love fruit smelling soaps and lotions.  That is all I ever want, in case someone is thinking about getting me a gift set.  I am not interested in anything in Ocean Breeze or Cotton T-Shirt scent.  Fruit (or chocolate) all the way.

Which is why I also loved this body lotion by Ahava in pineapple peach.  The scent was quite delicate; not overpowering which was kind of nice.  It absorbed pretty quick as well.  I would buy this again if I didn’t already have 93 other body lotions stashed under my sink.

Then there is the En Root volumizing shampoo by theBalm.  It has a matching conditioner, but of course I would finish the shampoo first and render the conditioner virtually useless.  Does that happen to you?  Annoying, right?  Anyway, was this shampoo volumizing?  Wellll, not like in a super obvious way.  Like I didn’t use it and then suddenly I had supermodel, wind machine, riding on a horse in the surf sort of hair.  But I didn’t hate it either.

How about some face cleaners:

This Alba Botanica face cleaner smelled so good.  Straight up pineapple, like the best realistic pineapple smell you can imagine.  But I will say I did not like the formula.  Now that I’ve been trying so many face cleansers, I know what I prefer, and this loose gel consistency is not it.  Many times I pumped this stuff into my hand only for it to slide right off my palm and plop into the bath water.  So I won’t repurchase, even though this certainly wasn’t a bad product.  I’m just really really really hard to please.  Sorry, not sorry.

Finished up the little travel size bottle of Koh Gen Do Cleansing Spa Water.  I did really like this.  Thought it was very effective in removing mascara.  However, waterproof mascara is the devil and this product did nothing to help alleviate that.  Unless you just like rubbing your eyelashes off in one fail swoop.  But for basic mascara, this is your man.  It has a nice refreshing feel to it, like spa water presumably.  I would totally repurchase this.

I wish I could tell you more about the Nia24 face scrub other than the fact that I used it, it exfoliated, and then I moved on.  Because there is actually a lot of science involved in this product.  It probably does something really fancy to your skin that a lot of times gets lost on me.  But then again, I had a sample tube with about 5 uses in it, so what can really go on in 5 uses?  Not an instant miracle, I’ll tell you that much.

Now for eyes:

So I went to the Macy’s counter to pick up the Clinique dark circle corrector because it had won an Allure beauty award for being amazing.  When I get there, the lady proceeds to tell me it’s an ongoing treatment serum not an instant dark circle perfector, and I pretended I knew that already, and bought it anyway.  Dangit!  About got caught looking stupid, but I saved myself at the last second didn’t I?  Unfortunately, I had really hoped for an instant satisfaction sort of situation so I was slightly disappointed.  I used this for about 2 months or so before I got bored and started using something else.  Did I notice a difference in those 2 months?  Hell if I know.  I only know one speed:  instant.  Everything after that gets ignored.

How not to like an eye cream – have a watery consistency that you can tap into your orbital bone for days. Enter Perricone MD High Potency Eye Lift and tap your ever-lovin’ life away.  Seriously, I think I grew extra gray hairs while waiting for this stuff to disappear into my skin.  Okay, slight exaggeration, but I don’t have time for all that tapping nonsense when my nighttime regimen is 17 steps.  I prefer thicker, sturdier eye creams.  Like the StriVectin one, or that Glytone one that seemed to replicate itself every time I thought I was nearing the bottom.  Those were actual creams, and I loved them.

I threw away makeup.  I’m not ashamed:

First of all, the ybf lipgloss was really pretty and had a delicious watermelon scent.  But isn’t that the teeniest sample you’ve ever seen?  Didn’t last very long, and then the brush inside might’ve been too short to reach the bottom.  So there’s probably oodles of product left in the tube, but I have zero energy left to try.

Massive fail alert.  Did anyone who received the Chella indigo liquid liner in their Ipsy bag have the same problem as me?  The nib dried up during the actual act of applying the liner.  I had to continually wipe it on toilet paper to try to reactivate the color, but it became more trouble than it was worth.  Such a shame though.  The indigo color was really pretty.

Received this Grande Lash MD mascara in my New Beauty Test Tube, and I decided I don’t want it.  The sample was really tiny and the formula was looser than I like for a mascara.  It gave me anxiety thinking about putting this on my eyeballs.  So I took matters into my own hands and threw it away like I’m the boss of me.

I had a little eye issue a couple weeks ago.  One eye was pinky-red then the other went pinky-red.  Don’t know if it was just allergies or if I had an actual contagious thing.  But I had to throw away the Clinique High Impact mascara just in case.  It had wet eye juice contamination, so I figured that was the proper and most grown-up thing to do.  Luckily it was just a sample tube that I didn’t even pay for instead of my $45 Charlotte Tilbury one.  Because I’ll just be honest:  I’ll risk a pink-eye epidemic before I even thing about throwing away a Charlotte Tilbury.

Last item is the L’Oreal Magic Lumi primer.  I finished off the entire tube, and it was a nicely textured primer.  Went on smooth, wasn’t greasy.  Absorbed quickly.  However, the whole point of this primer is that it has illumination in it, and using it is supposed to impart some sort of mystical glow about your face.  Even the primer itself has a lovely white pearly color.  But it didn’t transmit one bit on my skin.  I looked as normal and drab as ever.  So I don’t know if it’s just me or maybe I’m just too picky, but I won’t repurchase.

Gawd, are we done?  Almost.  Here’s moisturizer-y type thingies:

Back to the Nia24 stuff, this time in the form of their Skin Strengthening Complex.  I wasn’t sure what this was, so I had to do a little research.  Turns out, it’s just moisturizer.  Could’ve helped by listing that on the tube and saving me some time, but apparently I’m not in charge.  Anyway, this had an amazing consistency that made me look forward to moisturizing at the end of the day.  How dorky am I?  Very.

You may or may not recall how much I loved the Coola sunscreen that I got in my Birchbox.  So much so that it about usurped my love for the Cotz suncreen.  Well, immediately following this very tiny tube, I went and purchased a full size of this stuff.  I am so excited to use it because the satiny texture of it is to die for.  Except my Cotz tube is proving to be quite the value for the money because I’ve been religiously applying this for the past 6 months, and I’ve just now reached the halfway point.  See you in about a year, Coola!  Hmmphf.

And the pointless product of the year award goes to Renu Lip & Eye Active Lift.  I received this in my Glossybox, and I was not the least bit excited.  But I used it anyway because it physically hurts to waste something like this.  I applied it to the lines around my mouth (per instructions) which was supposed to give a nice plumping effect.  I did this every single day for over a month – it was the sample that would not die – and my mouth lines not one time looked any different than they have my entire life since I got old enough to have mouth lines.

On a side note, the Renu won a British beauty award of some kind.  Obviously something is very wrong with me, because they wouldn’t give an award to a product that doesn’t work.  And now I’m forced to have Juvederm injections because of it.  Drat.

I feel we should end on a high note, so pay very close attention to these final two products.  The Sisley Paris Black Rose Cream Mask is super luxurious, elegant, and everything you’d expect a mask from France to be.  Had a lovely rose smell although not overwhelming at all.  However, I’m not sure I used the product right because it was so creamy and soft, I felt like the “mask” was nothing more than moisturizer that I ended up rinsing off in 15 minutes.  Perhaps I was supposed to leave it on, even though the instructions said to wipe off the excess.  Maybe rinsing with water isn’t what they meant by “wiping”, and I wasted all the good work this mask was supposed to do.  I’ll never know for sure now because the full size is $158, and I will never ever ever buy it.

(Insert sad, pathetic face.)

But if I could go back in time, I would apply the product, leave on for 15 minutes, then wipe off the excess with a tissue.  And then of course feel very highfalutin for the next 3 days.  Oui oui!

Last item is one I’ve already reviewed before, but I finished another tube.  It’s the REN Hydra-Calm Global Protection day cream.  It’s a moisturizer with this lovely velvety texture that I challenge anyone not to get addicted to.  Like it goes on as a normal moisturizer, but as it sinks into your skin it turns into silky satiny softness and actually stops you in your tracks like, whaaaaaa?  But then again, I’m heavy into texture so maybe it is just me that does that.  Either way, I still think you’d love it.

Okay, carpal tunnel is setting in so I gotta go.  Hope you enjoyed this post.  And that you aren’t fast asleep right now.  Catch you all tomorrow for more fun stuff.  See ya!