I may hoard makeup like I’m preparing for an apocalypse but here is proof that I actually use, and finish, things I buy.

This is my collection of empties I’ve stored away during the entire month of January. Yes, I kept my trash under the sink in my bathroom all in the name of science. I’m nothing if not dedicated, people.

First, some hair stuff:

I got the Ouidad Curl Recovery cleansing oil in one of my beauty boxes back in December. And while I don’t have curly hair, and all my poking around on the internet suggested it was quite popular for African-American hair, I used it anyway.

No, just no. This product was not for me. Granted, it cleaned my hair just fine. But my second day hair was way oilier than normal. Even dry shampoo couldn’t help it much. I did a little experiment to make sure it was the Ouidad that was causing the excess oil (by washing my hair with regular shampoo the next time – quite scientific, I know) and it was most definitely the Ouidad. So I stopped using it about halfway through the bottle. It hurt, but it had to be done.

Next are the Paul Mitchell shampoo and conditioner samples in the Strength formula. I had been using some mediocre product that I felt wasn’t really doing anything special to my hair – but I bought it so was trying to use it anyway, as I am apt to do. Then husband and I went on a quick weekend trip, and the hotel had Paul Mitchell amenities. Ooh la la! Just kidding, it was just a Courtyard Marriott. Anyway.

I felt that my hair did so good that weekend. Like way better than it had for quite some time. So next thing you know, I’m in Ulta buying this stuff. They have several formulas, but I picked the Strength one because I shed so much hair it’s ridiculous. Serious, I could make a new head of hair just by collecting my fall out hair for about a week.

Okay, here’s some body stuff:

I’ll admit I was feeling a little too big for my britches when I decided to spend $22 on shaving cream. But I just wanted something fancy, you know how it goes. After researching terms like luxury, high-end, and vintage, I finally found the Shaveworks Pearl Soufflé. Doesn’t the name just make you want to rub it all over your body? I mean, pearl soufflé. But maybe that’s just me.

I found a trial size on Amazon so I didn’t end up paying as much, and I was never so excited to shave my legs. However, now all I can really say about it is that it’s a beautiful pearl color. Other than that, it wasn’t anything special. The smell was icky. So I won’t buy this again. Besides, I found something better which I will tell you about one day.

This blog is entertaining AND suspenseful!

The other thing is a body lotion by Body Drench. Not much to report here other than the awesome mango smell. I’d repurchase if I cared that much about body lotion. I don’t. I get sucked in by smells and smells alone. Whatever lotioning benefits it might impart gets lost on me.

Here’s some face cleaning stuff:

That little bottle of The Aloe Source Jojoba Cleansing Polish is awesome. It was delicate, had a lovely smell and made my skin feel super smooth. I will actually buy this again one day. Cuz whatever jojoba is, I’m in love.

On my very first real trip to Ulta, I picked up those Philosophy facial wipes cuz they were on sale. So these hold a special place in my heart, a sweet reminder of how innocent and naive I used to be, how I knew so little about makeup or skin care, and how far I’ve come since that day. Other than that, though, they are just an overpriced facial wipe. They work, but aren’t amazing, and quite frankly, I get better results from my $3 package of e.l.f. wipes.

See that little tiny tube of Brad Ultra Peel? Yeah, celebrities punch each other in the throat over that. It’s also $175 in its regular size. In other words, I felt super duper fancy for using this but I will never own it ever again in my lifetime. It is an at-home chemical peel kind of thingy. Only really liked it cuz famous people use it. I’m a really sad person.

Next thing is a tube of microdermabrasion from Dr. Brandt. I liked it okay. It had very fine scrubber bits in it so it didn’t irritate my skin like you would expect something that feels like sandpaper to do. I approve.

Last one is a super boring face wash from NeoStrata. It cleaned my face, yes. Left my face feeling very soft, yes. But it did not smell that great. And I accidentally got it in my mouth and discovered it doesn’t taste that great either. I forced myself to finish it.

Here’s some body wash stuff:

If you like the smell of roses, you will love the Anatomicals You Need a Blooming Shower. I do not. I used it cuz technically I paid for it (via beauty box) but I would never purposefully buy this.

And the H2O+ body wash wasn’t that great either. It smells of sea lotus, whatever that is. I dunno. I just prefer fruity scents I guess.

Then there’s this ginormous tube of body cleanser from Lisa Hoffman Beauty in the Madagascar Orchid scent. It smelled better than the rose one and the sea lotus one, but is was still floral so I was sort of blasé about it. However, it doubled as a bath soak and that was quite pleasant. Still wouldn’t buy it, but I’d recommend it to others.

Lord, are we done?!

No. Here’s some moisturizers:

I absolutely loved that REN day cream. I can only pinpoint this to a texture issue, as the smell wasn’t the best. Didn’t stink, but didn’t smell like fruit either. But putting this on your face was a dream. At first it was like any basic moisturizer, then it finished with this amazing velvetyness. Not sure if that’s on purpose or how it reacted to my skin only, all I know is I have another sample of this in my stash and I’m so excite.

That little bottle with no label is a facial lotion from Be Natural Organics, I promise you. Got it in my December beauty box from Petit Vour. The label is missing because I had only been using it for maybe a week and then the dispenser stopped working. So I peeled off the label to investigate. Turns out the dispenser was just fine; the bottle was flippin empty already. Gah! I was really enjoying it, too. Ripped away from me before I was ready. That rarely happens. A lot of times I just wanna finish a sample so I can move on to the next sample. So if that tells you anything about how much I loved it, then you’re pretty smart and you can continue to read my blog. Congrats!

One product I was wondering if it would ever end is the Naobay oxygenating cream. I’m not sure what oxygenating cream is, but it sounds like you’d want it. And it’s not a bad product, but to me it was just a regular ole moisturizer that did its regular ole moisturizing thing, and that was it. No fanfare here. I was glad to finish it so I could try something new.

Last but not least (we’ve reached the end people; rejoice!) is some makeup stuff:

That Be a Bombshell eyeliner marker was dumb. At first I’m thinking, heyyyyy nice! But either there’s not much product inside or else it somehow miraculously dried up with the cap stored on it tightly at all times, but it’s dead to the world now. I tried to eke out as much as I could, but it was like rubbing a dry eraser across my eyelid. No likey. So I’ve given up and moved on.

Lemme tell you how much I love the Benefit That Gal primer. Do you have a few days? No? Okay, short and sweet:

Smells like strawberries. Lovely texture and creaminess. Brightens my dull, boring face. Makes me beautiful. Buy it.

The end.

I was so curious about the Clarins Beauty Flash Balm, I could barely stand myself. I almost considered buying the $45 tube sight unseen because Allure magazine gave it an award. I even emailed Clarins and asked if I could get a free sample (they said no). So I turned to my only other option left to me: eBay. Found a two pack trial size for $8; felt like I’d won the Powerball.

Well that feeling was definitely the most exciting thing about this product. I didn’t notice anything particularly different about my face after using this. I didn’t look extra radiant, glowing, happy, thin … nothing. Maybe I’m too critical of myself and can’t see pretty when it’s quite clearly staring me in my face. I dunno. But what I can say is this: I saved $45, and I’m no longer curious. Win.

Last thing in the batch is this tiny tube of Miracle Skin Transformer Face. It is lovely. Perhaps the best BB cream type of thingy I’ve ever tried. It has this powdery finish, and it truly did smooth out my complexion. And it lasted me such a long time because just the littlest bit of product smeared out so far on your face. Go buy this. Ya know, if you have an extra $48 lying around.

If you have made it down to the very bottom of this ridiculously long post well then you deserve a reward of some kind. Either that or you have had nothing better to do for the past 15 hours. Whichever the case, I thank you. Hope you’ve found this helpful and not annoying in the slightest. I took two days to write this thing, so it was an effort on my part too. I mean, what else was I supposed to do during the Super Bowl?

The things we do for each other. It’s love.