Another month, another bag of trash. Got a whole load of empties for you my friends, so go ahead and cancel all your plans for today.

Let’s begin.

Face cleaning stuffs:

I went back to using my ol standby, the Equate version of the Neutrogena eye makeup remover. I used this exclusively for several years, but I had been trying different brands just for fun the last few months. For whatever reason though, I didn’t love it this time around. Did someone jack with the formula while I was away? Is this my punishment or something? Needless to say, I’m trying a Sephora brand right now cuz I don’t have time to be disappointed.

I’m not a huge fan of cleansing oils but I got this Josie Maran one in a kit so I couldn’t not use it because I would feel very guilty about it – another thing I don’t have time for. It did a good job of breaking up my makeup though, and it was probably the best one I’ve ever used. But I won’t buy a full size. However, if you’re the type who enjoys oil cleansers, I recommend giving this one a try.

Got a microdermabrasion cream from Miracle Skin Transformer. I think these products are so very boring. I’m sure there’s awesome benefits to scrubbing your face with these, but all I ever remember is feeling the microbeads all over my butt as I’m sitting in the bathtub. Cuz even though I rinse my tub out after every use, those beads are clingers. So after Skincare Sunday rolls around, my bath on Monday is always an experience.

Other than that, it exfoliates just fine. Buy some if you are so inclined.

Last deal in the batch is a cleanser from Kimberly Parry Organics. This sample didn’t last very long, so I couldn’t really form much of an opinion. But I will say this was not as creamy as the title implies. It was a loose consistency, not a thick rich cream like you’d be expecting. So a bit of a bummer there. If you’re super into textures like me, you’d understand exactly how I’m feeling right now. And also, you may continue to read this blog.

Now, body stuff:

I really liked this Soap & Glory Flake Away body scrub. It was a very gentle scrub with a nice clean scent. And my skin was so super soft after using this. I will be repurchasing this as soon as I’m done with this other sub par scrub I bought at TJ Maxx for $5.

Speaking of sub par, here’s something completely opposite. A body butter by Josie Maran. This stuff is glorious. First of all, the whipped consistency is what all other body butters need to be measured against. I mean, it’s almost exactly like sticking your fingers in a tub of Cool Whip, and I don’t know anybody who wouldn’t love to do that.

The scent, however, is objectionable. I got Sweet Citrus, which sounds like it’d be amazing. But it took me a minute. First application and I’m thinking it smelled like fresh cut grass, which quickly turned to more of a skunk smell. But then I switched my brainwave and decided it was actually a grapefruit smell, and after that I just loved it. So I don’t know if you have these same magical powers as me, but if so, go get this! Or you can just buy the vanilla apricot one instead. That might be a safer bet.

Real quick on this Caldrea body wash. I used it, it was fine. It wasn’t super tropical smelling, but maybe you’re fine with all that. You get it at Target. Probably other places as well, but I can’t do all your research for you. Otherwise, how will you learn to maneuver through life?

Last one is a face and body scrub by Bella Pelle. I decided I was just gonna use this on my body, and that turned out to be a very good decision. Cuz this stuff does not smell good not one bit. And this is coming from someone who’s been using a daily face peel made with salmon egg enzyme for the past month. So you know it must be bad. If you can get past the smell, I salute you. Why they couldn’t have thrown a wad of flowers or a lemon in the mix is beyond me. Straight up cornmeal mush. Blech.

Serums, et al:

When I used up the last of the Ahava Dead Sea Osmoter Concentrate, I about had a dramatic cry, complete with floor wallering, open-mouthed gasping and several whhhhhyyeeeeeee?!?!?s. This stuff had a super silky texture, and I swear I looked brighter and more youthful. Well worth every penny and I will repurchase one day when I finally decide to stop sampling everything on Planet Earth.

Then I was using this SkinCeuticals Hydrating B5 Gel, and I was quite impressed. It was a liquidy moisturizer that sank into your skin almost immediately and left behind this wonderful silkiness. Full size is $78, which means it’s ultra fancy and also I’ll probably never use it again. Oh well.

One product that I did end up buying a full size of is the Paula’s Choice 2% BHA Liquid. After about a week of using this, my pore size looked better, my face looked brighter, and even a coworker noticed something was different about me. That last thing occurred about 2.5 seconds before I went online and bought another bottle. Cuz that’s the gold standard of any product: notices from coworkers. If they give you a compliment, whatever is the cause of it is your new best friend.

I was curious about the Tarte maracuja eye cream, so I purchase a little jar of it on eBay for $12. I didn’t want to buy the full size in case I didn’t love it, and honestly, that was a pretty genius move on my part. Cuz I didn’t like this stuff that much. It was super thick, and stayed greasy under my eye for a long time. And I didn’t notice that it brightened anything at all. But according to the rest of the world, this product is great. Therefore I = idiot.

Last item is a moisturizer from Darphin that cost $295 in its full size form. So I relished this tiny sample like there was gold in it. Which it very well could have. This was a super rich and luxurious cream that I will never ever own again in my lifetime. Feel sorry for me yet? No? Okay, moving on.

Presenting: Matching Skincare Set!

Got this little kit of 29 skincare from Target right before my trip to Chicago last month. It included a cleanser, toner wipes (not pictured), serum, night cream and day cream. As a whole, this kit was alright. I really loved the day cream because it had a velvety texture, which is all I ever care about when it comes to moisturizers. And the serum was nice as well. But the toner pads weren’t very wet, and maybe that was the intention but I don’t prefer it. And the night cream was super duper thick and took forever to sink into my skin. But the worst of all was the cleanser. It had the most disgusting smell, and I just couldn’t do it. Like, I gave it a good try and everything, but it was so unbelievably gross. And I can tolerate some smell, per salmon egg enzyme previously mentioned. But I ain’t a superhero or anything, although I’m often mistaken for one.

Best quality photo award goes to:

Lawd. I’m not even sure how that happened.

Anyway. This Jonathan Product Volume Shampoo was no bueno. It was thin, smell was not that great, and it didn’t come with a conditioner. I used about 1/4 of this and decided to set it free.

Hair oils last forever I think. When you get down to the end of the bottle, they replicate and suddenly you still have a month’s worth of use left. So I decided to give this I.C.O.N. India Oil a couple weeks and then I was gonna move on. And that’s exactly what I did. It helped that this oil smelled like a male 70s porn star who walked into a swingers club with chest hair on full display.

Proof that hair oils replicate. I got this Mastey one from a Glossybox back in the fall, and there’s still a ton of product left in the bottle. But I got bored of using it, so I tossed it. Plus I had several other hair oil samples that I couldn’t get to because the Mastey just would not die.

Aside from that, this is a very nice hair oil and if I didn’t have other hair oils waiting patiently (or not so, in this case), I would have gladly finished up the bottle. This is how my brain works. Do not try to understand.

Last thing is the Alterna Caviar CC Cream for hair. I really liked this stuff. I thought it helped soften my hair and made it sleeker and less crazy. I would buy this again for sure. It’s not a miracle product or anything, but I think it’s worth the money.

Last batch. Makeup:

I freaking love this Laura Geller Spackle foundation primer. It’s primarily a texture issue, but that’s really the only thing that counts in my book as far as primers go. It feels cool on the face, absorbs easily, and smooths and softens. I put it on my list of products to repurchase. After I use up the 15 other primers I’ve hoarded, that is.

Last thing is a lip plumper from Michael Marcus. First of all, lemme just say this doesn’t plump for shit. And I gave it plenty of opportunity. I used this product every single day for 6 months. Lip status: status quo.

But I did like it for what I used it for. I would apply this in the morning as the very first step in my routine. It had a peppermint sensation, so it felt cooling and nice on the lips and helped to wake me up. By the time I finished my makeup, my lips were properly hydrated and ready for lipstick. So it wasn’t a complete bust of a product despite its ridiculous plumping claims.

We’ve made it to the end. Is everyone awake? If so, you are loved. Trust me.

More later. Goodnight!