It’s that time again: my monthly empties. I’ve gone through my trash and artfully displayed them for all the world to see. Hope you’ve got your snacks ready, cuz you might not get out of your seat for the next 15 hours.

Let us begin. Some body stuff:

I received that ginormous tub of Nailtiques foot cream in a past Blush box, and it took me nigh on forever to finish it.  I did like it, but I had never really used foot cream before and therefore didn’t have much to compare it to.  But my feet did slide forward and almost out of my open-toed high heels, so that must mean something.  I lotioned away all my grippers, I guess.  If that’s a benefit to someone, please let me know.  Otherwise, it hurts having your big toe and second toe fighting for air time out of the little toe hole in the top of my shoe.  Yes, I said toe hole.  It’s a thing.

And that Buerre body cream.  I really wanted to like it y’all.  I tried so hard.  But the first application was so yucky I just couldn’t take it.  Very, very thick and left my skin super sticky.  I’m not sure what would’ve happened had I given it a chance to absorb because I immediately washed it off my body like stat.  I thought maybe it needed a good stir, to add a little air to the product.  Because it was delivered to me in sub-zero temperatures, I figured perhaps it had solidified a bit and never recovered.  So I took a little plastic spoon and gave it a good stir.  Looked promising.  The texture seemed softer to me, anyway.  Sadly, however, this had no effect on it whatsoever, and I wasted a good 5 minutes stirring this stuff for no dadgum reason.  Blah.

On a side note, no one else on the internet had this same experience.  So either I got a defective one, or they don’t have OCD texture issues.  Serious, if someone else has tried this and loved it, I would like to know.

Some face cleanin’ business:

I pulled that little sample of Biore charcoal cleanser out of my Allure magazine.  Normally, I couldn’t give two flips about these kinds of samples, but I was kind of curious.  It also had a $2 coupon attached.  (Bribery.)  Anyway, I cleaned my face with this stuff, and loved it.  I have no idea if it cleared my pores out or anything, but there is a cooling sensation it provides that got me addicted immediately.  So I bought the full-size.  I mean, of course.  Can’t let a good coupon go to waste.  And also: ADDICTED.

That Bioxidea sheet mask thingie was ridiculous.  If you’ll recall, I received two in two different beauty boxes.  They are uber expensive, like $20 for one.  So leave it to me to apply the first one upside down and ruin everything.  Serious, I couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t fit, then the jelly like texture of the mask broke apart on me, which I’m sure had nothing to do with me tugging around on it or anything.  Am I in a comedy show or something?  Geez.  Immediately pulled this off and tried again with the other one.  Which is when I discovered my upside-down snafu.  Second one was applied properly, although it didn’t stick to my face very good.  I tried to sit back and relax like the instructions told me to, but I was very much overly concerned by the fact I hated this mask.  I was annoyed at wasting $40 in about 5 minutes.  So if my skin received any benefit whatsoever from this thing, I’ll never know.  Preoccupied by my hate as much as I was.

The little tube of vbeaute Rub Off Exfoliator did it’s job.  It exfoliated.  That’s about all I can say about it.  I won’t even pretend there is something else I can mention.  Moving on.

If you ever get the opportunity to purchase the Lush Mask of Magnaminty, I would say just go for it.  I freakin love this stuff.  First of all, it’s handmade and has an expiration date of about 5 months.  I ordered the small tub because I knew I would never use the large one in 5 months.  The smell is divine (if you like mint), it’s cooling and it’s creamy.  Spreads really well.  The only negative would be once it dries, the chunks on your face are kind of annoying to remove.  But if you can persevere, it’s worth it.  If you like a smooth face, that is.  If you don’t, then maybe you have more issues than just removing a face mask.  Just saying.

I have makeup remover thingies:

Boring topic so I’ll do this quick.  The Almay remover was good.  It’s the oil/water combo remover that you have to shake to activate, but I actually prefer this style cuz it does the job better than the other kind.  Other than that, it’s makeup remover.  What else can you say about it?

I really like the Clinique Take the Day Off Cleansing Milk.  I didn’t even know cleansing milk was a thing until this.  But now that I know, I’ll never be without a cleansing milk.  It just helps break down the makeup before you get down to actually cleaning it off.  To some, it may seem like a redundant step.  But for me, if my nighttime routine doesn’t include about 17 products, I feel naked.  Right now, I’m trying a Caudalie one, but I will go back to the Clinique at some point.

The DHC Deep Cleansing Oil was alright.  It did melt off my mascara pretty good.  But towards the end of the bottle I was ready to stop using it.  I just don’t like cleansing my face with oil.  Nothing is wrong with it; it’s just my preference.  But apparently this product is one of DHC’s best sellers.  So somebody loves it.  Just not me.

And now – hair bits:

I love me some dry shampoo, y’all!  This Klorane one was really great.  Worked like a dream all the way to the bottom of the can.  I would purchase this again in a heartbeat if there was a worldwide shortage of Batiste.

I got the little sample of the John Freida Frizz Ease flat iron spray in an Influenster box.  I know I’ve never talked about Influenster before, but they are not a subscription service.  I signed up back in the fall, and at some point they sent me a couple of free product boxes to review.  But the boxes aren’t a guaranteed thing – I may never get a box again, who knows?  Anyway.  I did like the spray.  I felt like it helped somewhat to make my hair straighter when I flat ironed it the next morning.  Or maybe it just took some of the frizz away, I dunno.  However, I did not finish the spray because I got an onslaught of hair products last month and needed to get to them.  And because I didn’t pay for the Frizz Ease in any way whatsoever, it was the first to go.  My reasoning only makes sense to me.  Sorry.

Did that paragraph just bore you?  Cuz it bored me.

Last thing is the hair thickener by Nioxin.  I got this in my very first Glossybox and used it for the past 7 months.  As you can see, it’s not quite gone, but I’m going to be honest with you.  I was tired of messing with it.  Seven months is a long time to be using something that I didn’t even know worked or not.  I would spray this along my hairline because that’s where my hair looked the most thin.  And frankly, it still looks about the same.  Granted, I only used this stuff twice a week because there ain’t nothing in the world that’ll make me wash my hair more often than that.  Except for maybe some Sephora gift cards.  But if not that, then NOTHING.

My favorite topic.  Serums galore:

I’ve come to the conclusion I need to take better pictures.  Or else companies need to make better, camera-friendly packages.  Can you tell what the purple thing or the orange thing is?  No.  So good thing I’m about to tell you.

First item, though, is the little mesh bag of pH Advantage PM Vitamin Triple Complex.  This serum was awesome.  Made my skin feel so silky.  Absorbed really quickly too.  Loved it.  I had 4 sample packets and they lasted me over a month.  Nice way to stretch out the one-time-use pouch thing.  Other CEOs: take note!

The purple bottle is the Tarte Maracuja Oil.  This lasted for a very long time, even though the sample bottle was so small.  I applied a couple of drops all over my face before bed, and I woke up with some very smooth, soft skin.  There are some other scientific-y bits on this as well that you can read all about on their website.  I’m tired.  I feel carpal tunnel approaching very soon.

See that little red vial?  That’s the Phyto-C Velvet Gel, and I got this in my Ipsy bag not too long ago.  I loved it so much after my first application that I proceeded to buy two other Ipsy members’ samples they did not want off eBay.  Probably should have just bought the full-size but didn’t feel like spending $64.  I’m on my last vial currently, and I will admit to being over it now.  It’s still a nice, silky serum (in gel form), but I’m ready to move on to something new.  This is why I hardly ever buy full-size stuff.  My attention span barely exists.  My brain does this odd ADD thing where I bounce from one great big thing to another in the time it takes to type out this entire sentence.  You have no idea how much editing I do to my posts before I click submit.  Otherwise, it’s a run-on-sentence lover’s paradise in here.

The orange tube is the MD Solar Sciences tinted SPF creme.  I did enjoy this very much.  It was a nice other option to my holy grail SPF, Cotz.  There wasn’t much product in the tube so I didn’t use this for more than a few days, but if you’re big on texture, you’ll love this.  If you also like spending over $30 on your SPF, you’ll love this even more.  Sadly, I would rather not, so it was a fun ride while it lasted.  All four days of it.

(Also, this is not a serum so do not ask why I included it in this group.  Again, my reasonings only make sense to me.)

As for that tube of CellCeuticals Extreme Defense Anti-Cell Damlgjj l;j khgszj k …

Oh my god, never mind.  Just click the link.  Anyway.  I had to use this serum in the daytime, as that is what it’s made for.  I do not normally do this as serums need to have time to sink in before applying anything on top of it.  Guess how much extra time I have in the morning?  That’s right.  So I had to completely rearrange my routine in the morning so I could accommodate this extra step.  And it just wasn’t worth it.  I’m sure it does all sorts of lovely things to your skin, but I can barely brush my teeth with my eyes open, much less spend an exhorbitant amount of time waiting for a serum to sink in.  Moving right along.

Last item is the Rejuve MD Face serum.  This was a gel that applied kind of wet, then sort of dried tacky and not really all that pleasant.  Again, I’m big on texture, and quite honestly is the main reason for me loving a product.  You can ignore primarily 97.95769% of my reviews if you don’t understand and appreciate the love of texture.  Because I have no other scientific opinions of anything, ever.  If you ask me if this product, or any other product, actually worked, I will look at you with big blank eyes.

God.  Are we done yet?

No. Here’s some  moisturizers:

I’m not going to say much on the Caudalie moisturizing sorbet because I just talked about it in my Birchbox review last week.  However, for those not in the know (Who are you? And why haven’t you been reading my blog?), I really liked this stuff.  Not necessarily because it has “sorbet” in the title.  But maybe a little bit.

The StriVectin eye cream was pretty nice.  I actually think after using it for a month it did help with the fine lines under my eyes.  Now, don’t freak out or anything … I said I think.  It could be some of that psychological brain trickery instead.  You know how it is.  We probably wouldn’t buy near as much stuff if we somehow hadn’t been tricked into thinking it’s working when clearly it wasn’t.  But New Beauty magazine gave it an award for best eye cream, so I’m just gonna leave it at that.

I just finished this bottle of Malin + Goetz moisturizer.  It was okay.  Nothing that made me wanna go out and buy a lifetime supply or anything.  And the packaging is the most boring thing ever.  Looks like I picked it up from the Dollar Tree.  On the plus side, it moisturized just fine.  Took a bit to absorb, but by the time I went to bed my skin felt pretty soft.  So it wasn’t horrid, and had the packaging been less generic looking, I probably would have liked it better.  Shallow?  Probably.

Now I did enjoy the Korres face cream.  It’s made from Greek yogurt, so yes it had a weird smell.  They probably should have thrown a handful of flowers in the batch, but I’m not CEO.  I’m not CEO of anything.  Although I have the best, most practical ideas that ever existed.  Why am I not CEO of something?  Seriously, why?

Last piece is the Vichy Aqualia Thermal Rich Cream.  This stuff was super nice.  Smelled very luxurious and pricey, although full-size is only $31.  (Did you hear that?  I’ve become immune. Only $31?  Why, that’s practically free!)  It was definitely rich, creamy and moisturizing.  It could be a tad perfume-y for sensitive people, but it won a Good Housekeeping award, which means I’d put up with just about anything.  Rash or no rash – it won an award, people.

Next category:  Hygiene, or otherwise known as, TMI:

I’m only going to include this product one time.  You are going to have to trust me when I say I’ve been using it for over 20 years and I will continue to use it until I’m too old to work the lid.  It’s the Summer’s Eve Cleansing Wash.  You know, soap for your hoohah.  I won’t use anything else.  I mean, I may use the Equate generic alternative, but I won’t use regular soap down there.  Why?  Cuz it burns and itches, that’s why.  Gah, making me talk all about it and stuff.  Next.

The BeeKind shower gel looks like it still has soap in it.  It does.  But getting it out of the bottle required a lot of effort and squinting my eyes so the soap spit wouldn’t fly at me.  Yes, the last half-inch wouldn’t come out properly so I gave up. That’s okay though; I mean, shower gel isn’t that exciting anyway.  This one, however, smelled like lemons and was very nice.  Now I’m using something that smells like grapefruit, and I’ve completely forgotten about the BeeKind until just this second.  Shower gels and/or body washes don’t leave that much of an impression on me.

A product that didn’t use to leave an impression on me, but now does is shaving cream.  If you ever feel like spending $20 on shaving cream, spend it on Whish.  This stuff is yummy!  I got the blueberry scent, and it smells so much better than those metal aerosol cans of Strawberry Kiwi or Tropical Island or whatever the flip they’re called.  The texture is creamy, but not poofy.  Yes, poofy is my scientific term for what you get out of a Gillette can.  Well?!  What would you call it?  Anyway, it’s a beautiful pearl color also, so it’s visually as well as nasally pleasing.  Highly recommend.  I bought a second one, this time in the lemongrass scent, and it’s not as strong as the blueberry.  But I still love it.

Finally, we’ve reached the end.  Makeup stuffs:

The Urban Decay Naked Skin Pressed Powder was a nice accompaniment to my Naked foundation.  I got the color Medium Light, and it was a nice match for my skin.  I used this for several months before hitting pan so it lasted for quite a while.  I would have repurchased it, but I decided to try the loose powder version instead.

Last item of this ridiculously long post is the Cargo liquid liner.  This was a big, fat poo.  I bought it off Hautelook at a nicely discounted price at least.  It just did not work at all.  The tip was so very dry.  I tried everything I could do to get it to work, but to no avail.  It took light years to line just one eye because I had to keep going over it multiple times.  I don’t know if my product was old (the website has different packaging now) or what, but either it had no juice or improper juice flow – one of the two.  Then I just said efffffff it and moved on like no sweat.  Life is too short to waste it on shitty eyeliner.

That should be on a sign somewhere.  I claim it in case someone produces it and makes millions.  You heard it here first; you are all my witnesses.

The end.  I sleepy now.