Some tips for married couples:

1.  It is best to apply your medicated dry skin leg lotion in private.  I mean, there is not a fine line between sexily putting on lotion from, let’s say, Victoria’s Secret – one that smells like cherry blossoms or vanilla musk – and putting on your Gold Bond that smells like the inside of your grandma’s purse.  NO.  That line is very thickly drawn with a king size neon yellow highlighter with like glitter and red warning lights.  DO NOT CROSS THAT LINE.  Don’t do it.  I’m serious.  There’s a next anniversary gift of quite possibly some jewelry or a vacation at stake.  And hiking your leg up on the coffee table in full view of everyone is not helping matters AT ALL.  In fact, if it smells like mentholatum, the answer is always no.

2.  Keep all large underwear hidden at all times.  Including but not limited to the Fruit of the Loom breathable ones that fit so comfortably right above your belly button, the ones that require the use of a very long shirt in order to cover up the fact  they are taller than your actual pants, and the ones with the front stretchy panel that helps hold your fat in.  Your spouse does not need to know you haven’t touched that useless wad of pre-marriage lacy thongs in ages. Cuz nothing is sexier than having an air of mystery about you.  And hiding your actual underwear in a box under the bed makes complete and logical sense.

Marriage is hard, people.  Appearances are important.  We can’t be 42 and look 42 at the same time.  Something about science and whatnot.  If we have to lock ourselves in the bathroom to cover our bodies in old lady lotion and underwear the size of China, well that is our price to pay, and we happily pay it cuz we are Sex Goddesses as far as everyone else is concerned.  Constant uniform of pajamas and fluffy pink robe, notwithstanding.

Now if we can continue our quest of somehow NOT buying a fanny pack or like those straps to keep your eyeglasses attached to your face, I think it’s smooth sailing from here on out.  Pretty sure, anyway.

Let’s talk about nail polish!  Miss Freda from Sugar Flor Polish reached out to me a few weeks ago asking if I’d like to review her new spring collection.  Sugar Flor is a relatively new brand (only one prior collection) so I jumped at the opportunity to spread the word.  And thankfully so.  Look at these beauties:

OMG, have you ever?!  NO. YOU. HAVE. NOT.

This collection is a set of five glitter crellies inspired by Greek mythology.  The color palette and color combos are absolutely 100% spring.  Feel like closing your eyes and smiling to yourself like an idiot?  Then you’re gonna want each and every one of these.  Just wait; you’ll see.

First up is Persephone:

Persephone is the Goddess of the springtime, flowers and vegetation, so NAILED IT doesn’t even begin to describe this scenario.  The pink crelly base couldn’t be more perfect, and those darker pink and green glitters have the words yes, please written all over them.  (Seriously, I checked.)   Looks delicate, but covers really well in practically one coat, although two was required to smooth everything out.

Now, imagine this polish on someone whose fingers are slightly less sausage-y …

I know, right?!  In the basket it goes!

Grab your smelling salts and then look at these ridiculous macros:

You done died.  You did.

Now FOCUS.  I nail arted:

No matter how you may feel about this design, let me tell you how much more I love it versus the first design I did.  Ugh.  GUYS.  That one was so bad I couldn’t even bring myself to post it, even though I post nail fails about 97.857696% of the time anyway.  So for that reason alone, this floral thing here is a dadgum masterpiece and we shall treat her as such.  Plus I did gradient stamping, which means I get a half-hearted toot! on the old horn, MINIMUM.

Used the Lina 4 Seasons-Summer 01 plate for the leaves and the 4 Seasons-Spring 01 plate for the flowers in case a recreation is in order.

Next up is Artemis:

Artemis is the Goddess of the hunt, forest and hills, which is quite an impressive resume considering I lay on couches, and not in a sexy way.  She is often depicted with a bow and arrow; I on the other hand might wield perhaps a small twig to do some mild poking and whatnot.   I dunno.  It’s not my expertise.  I assume mild poking woudn’t get much accomplished anyway.  I could bore something to death with like a rousing game of Spelling Bee maybe.  Or I could read part of my blog out loud.  That might work.

So this one has a mid-toned purple crelly base loaded with green, gold and dark purple glitter.  Purple and green is one of my favorite color combos, so naturally I loved this.  Two easy coats, which I may love even more.

Time for drooling!

More mediocre nail art:

Well, I don’t hate it soooo … there’s that.  Clearly you can tell I just started stamping all the things like you’ve told me not to do.  I’m surprised there’s not like 18,000 more things on there.  I managed to reel it in somehow, quite possibly by sheer superhuman sized willpower.  Orrrrr, maybe hubby interrupted me by handing me a sandwich.  Either way, THANK GOODNESS, is what I’m saying.

Used the Lina Feeling Shapely 07 for the gold pattern and the 4 Seasons-Spring 01 plate for the flowers, if you’re curious.

Now here’s Demeter:

Demeter is Goddess of agriculture, fertility and harvest, but I’m sorry, what is your question?  Cuz GREEN.  Glorious, beautiful, mind altering green.  Demeter may the Goddess of something, something, something, but that point is useless at the moment.  As soon as I get control of my brain, then we’ll see.

So this one has a lovely dark olive green crelly base with a spectacular pink and dark green glitter mix.  I find this color strangely soothing.  It’s an uncommon shade, and that’s what I love the most.  It’s special.  Rare.  Surprising, even.  Perfect for a spring collection, if you ask me.  I’ll take a hundred more bottles, you know, in case there’s a painting-all-the-surfaces situation spontaneously happening while hubby is holding the remote control and NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO HIS WIFE, for chrissake.  I’ll be honest:  I need monitored from time to time.

More macros, more drool:

Oddly cute nail art:

I don’t know why I felt like doing that plastic pink bow, but I actually think it looks kinda cute.  Not appropriate for any occasion at all whatsoever, but good enough for a 15 second photo at least.  Cuz while I’m rarely putting my hands in pockets, the second the option is taken away is the same second when I suddenly need to do it.   If you’ve got charms on, there is no pocket option for you.  The pocket option is moot.

However, feel free to polka-dot for nigh on eternity.  I used the Lina Feeling Shapely 02 plate for that.

And now, Athena:

Athena is Goddess of wisdom, craft and war.  She is known for her calm temperament, and would not fight without a just reason.  SAME AS ME!  I mean, I only slapped that girl in the ear right after she slapped me first.  However, “in the ear” was my own personal spin on it.  Being only 11 years old (and Spelling Bee Champion Extraordinaire) doesn’t bode well for fightin’ cred.  The ear made sense at the time.

Here we have a pale pink crelly base with pink, gold, and light green glitter.  In my photos and in real life, the pale pink pulled more beige on me, which still worked out just fine.  I love the dainty look of this one!

Will the drool ever end?!

NO.  Moving on.

A pastel EXTRAVAGANZA!

There are times like this one where I wished my nails were a mile long.  The grungy butterfly image from the Lina Make Your Mark 01 plate is such a cool one, although sadly only about a half inch can be seen.  I hope y’all see butterflies when you see these nails, and not just some random blobs of polish.  On the bright side, more gradient stamping, which means who am I and what have I become?  A gradient stamper MASTER, clearly.

Lastly, this is Naiad:

Naiads are a type of female spirit presiding over fresh water fountains, wells, springs, streams and brooks.  Why are they presiding, you ask?  I dunno.  Tanning.  Scoping out boys.  Looking cute in bikinis, maybe.  I mean, I would if I had a choice.  Especially the tanning part, of which never happens to me at any given time whatsoever.  First of all, my body refuses to cooperate.  It does either see-thru white or lobster red.  Nothing in between.  If I want golden bronze legs, then I’m gonna have to spray them on, and even then they’re most likely of the orange streaky variety.  Especially when you’re 13 and forced to be at an amusement park with all your 8th grade classmates.    Orange and streaky was the only way for that scenario to end up.  Thanks, Universe!

But also, tanning requires going outside, and going outside requires pants, so at this point I’m just gonna have to pass.  Cuz society frowns on pants-less outdoor escapades.  SOCIETY is very judgy.

So this one is described as a dark aqua base with silver, turquoise and light purple glitter.  There are times, however, like in the macro below, where indirect lighting resulted in less aqua more slate grey/green.  Like a dirty aqua, I guess.  Either way, though, I lub it lots.

My favorite nail art:

The simplest one ends up being the best one.  Of course that makes sense.  All the gradienting, plastic bow gluing, stamping all the things things, and the one that took less than 3 minutes to put together is the winner.  I need to stop forgetting that, cuz I can stress over nail art like someone just told me baby kittens might die if I do something ugly.  That’s literally the perfect explanation for my emotional state at the time.  It’s dire.  Seriously.

Used the Lina 4 Seasons-Spring 01 plate for this design, and I accept recreations, kudos and accolades, you know, if you’re all not busy.

The round up:

Who’s ready for spring now?  These are the perfect polishes to get you in the mood.  Although if you’re like me, you’ve been dying for spring since last September 21.  Me and cold weather do not  get along.  I need sunshine and green grass and at minimum 70-degrees.  Maybe one or two 60-degree days just so I can wear a cute jacket and some Uggs and hold a latte.  But after that, 70s and up for eternity.  That’s not asking for much, is it?  IS IT?!?!  (No.)

This collection releases March 1 at 9am PST (or noon EST) so be sure to set at least 17 alarms to be safe.  Click here to shop!  Then wait impatiently and stalk the mailman like a proper nail addict.  It’s the most logical next step.

Later, loves!