For all those worried about me over the weekend, my Sephora boxes made it to my porch safe and sound as scheduled.  I may have freaked out prematurely regarding the repaving of our street.  In my defense, MAKEUP.  That is all.

It’s empties time, people.  Hope you’ve brought provisions with you cuz we gonna be here awhile.  Otherwise you may pass out from dehydration, and I can’t be responsible for all that nonsense.  Go get a snack.  I’ll wait.

…

How about some masks and peels:

My favorite category.  However, I blew it big time.  About six months ago, I purchased the Tata Harper Resurfacing Mask because I couldn’t resist the glorious green glass packaging.  For normal people, that is hardly a reason to buy something.  For me, it’s the ONLY reason to buy something.  Do you see how pretty?  Do you?  If you’re able to turn your back on that, I question your morals.  Might as well be walking away from a starving kitten as far as I’m concerned.

Anyway, when it came in the mail, I promptly opened and smelled it, took a good look at it.  Then capped it back and set it aside as I am wont to do when I have about 17 other masks to use up first.  Not good when there is a six month expiration date which I noticed about 5.75 months later.  It was hammer time people – an emergency mask situation.  I had roughly 10 days to get through this jar before it instantly turned to poison.  I got proof, too, when I contacted Tata Harper to ask just how scientific are those expiration dates anyway.  Turns out, VERY.  They suggested I not use it after six months in order to ensure my safety.  Now adequately terrified, I set about my challenge.

This mask is supposed to instantly resurface your skin.  Give you a refreshed, glowing appearance.  It has a cooling gel consistency with a lovely fruity smell.  Instructions said to apply in a thick layer, which worked out well seeing how I was trying to use up a brand-new, full-size product in little more than a week.

Lemme just say I did not notice anything special.  I didn’t dislike the mask, but I looked about the same as before.  Maybe if I had more severe skin issues like rosacea or major dryness, maybe then I’d see a difference.  I used about 3/4 of the jar before finally letting it go.  It broke my heart a little bit – wasting product hurts – but the possibility of my face falling off was too much to bear.

A few months ago, I had tried the Sonya Dakar Flash Facial and instantly fell in love.  Not with the $95 price, though.  So in my effort to find something similar but cheaper, I picked up a sample tube of the Peter Thomas Roth FIRMx Peeling Gel.  You apply this gel to clean, dry skin and as you are massaging it in, dead skin (and part of the product) starts to ball up underneath your fingers.  It really is kind of a cool thing.  However, my face did not feel as smooth afterwards as it did when I used the Sonya Dakar.  So while it is a good alternative for half the price, I will have to pass until I feel like spending a fortune on the real thing.

Same goes for the Real Chemistry Luminous 3-Minute Peel.  It did not give me the exact result that the Sonya Dakar did, but I actually liked it better than the Peter Thomas Roth.  It’s applied in the exact same way, but I felt the roll-y bits were more satisfying with this one.  I don’t even know how to explain that adequately; unless you are a proper weirdo, you may never understand.

Now for this Equitance skincare kit:

I took these three things with me to Vegas, and I was none too excited about it.  The sample kit looked like it came from a doctor’s office, and not even one from France.  However, I can’t let them go to waste and figured vacation would be the perfect opportunity to use them up.  Plus, if they got confiscated at the airport for any reason, I wouldn’t throw myself at anyone’s mercy begging for them back.  That is not a good look for me, or anyone for that matter.

But the Foaming Cleanser surprised me.  It was actually one of the better ones (texturally) that I’ve tried.  It felt good going on, then it wiped away completely, leaving me with really soft, moisturized feeling skin.  I loves.  I’ve added this to my list of future repurchases which I’ll eventually get around to, quite possibly in about 15 years or so.  Give or take.

And what can you really say about a Toning Lotion, or TONER as us poor people like to call it.  Turns out, not much.  It was wet.  It was cold.  It left no residue.  These are all good, mandatory things.  Moving on.

Then there was the Brightening Cream.  I liked this a lot actually.  It had a very nice, soft texture.  And it sank in rather quickly, which is my number 1 pre-requisite for anything.  No one likes to go to bed with a moist face.  Well, maybe somebody does, but they would be WRONG.

Some face stuff:

The SkinCeuticals Advanced Pigment Corrector is supposed to get rid of your dark spots AND keep them from coming back, which sounds like a decree signed by Jesus himself.  However, this little tube lasted less than a week and that is not long enough to determine anything.  But what I do know is that it is a flesh-toned cream, applies like a moisturizer, and isn’t gross.  And if it wasn’t $95, I would buy a full-size and cross my fingers.

Another toner.  Finally used up the Le Couvent des Minimes 3-in-1 Micellar Water.  This is a rose scented toner that refreshes, softens, and protects with the benefits of three different types of rose.  According to their website, this is a makeup remover, but their “tip” is to use it as a toner after your other method of makeup removal.  I can see where it might do a good job of removing makeup as it’s very wet and almost soapy but without soap.  But I never put it to the test, as it was a toner for me from first drop to last.  Nothing special here.  It was fine.  I’d use it again if someone gave me a bottle.

Y’all know I love serums.  They are probably my most favorite skin care item aside from masks.  I hoard them like I’m prepping for a really long camping trip cutoff from civilation, running water and 4G.  Omg, did you just get the hives?  Cuz I sure did.  But anyway, this Skin & Co Truffle Therapy Serum, it’s a good one.  It contains a truffle extract that fights off free radicals like a superhero.  The texture is a very super light cream, milky in color.  Goes on very wet, then dries sticky for about 15 seconds.  Afterwards, your face feels pretty smooth.  Smells sort of coconutty, but not overpowering.  Certainly not mushroomy like you’d expect.  This full-size jar is $75 except I didn’t pay that much.  I had a coupon plus dollars-off in my Birchbox account, so I scored it for virtually free.  I mean, not the normal idea of free, like what is internationally accepted as “free”, but free nonetheless.

Let’s remove our makeup:

But not with either of these things.

I did not like these Burt’s Bees Pink Grapefruit wipes.  The smell, yes.  Heavenly.  But they left this residue on my face that I did not appreciate.  Not sticky, but close to it.  I dunno.  Just not a very pleasant feeling at 6:30 in the morning.  Or that could’ve just been 6:30 in the morning, but regardless.

Let me preface this by saying I love my Neutrogena makeup remover. It’s the kind you have to mix up to use, and I actually prefer this style because it gets off my mascara so much better.  The Caudalie Cleansing Water is the other kind – the plain kind that does not need mixed.  So I knew it had that strike against it.  But I’m a trooper and a PROFESSIONAL, so I used it anyway.

Eh.  This just did not work for me.  It took forever to remove my mascara.  I don’t have that kind of time in the evening – pajamas don’t just wear themselves ya know.  This may work for people who wear very little eye makeup, but that people ain’t me.  I need industrial-strength.  Back to the Neutrogena I go.

Makeup stuffs:

This is my second sample of the Hourglass Veil Mineral Primer if that tells you anything.  I just love it so much.  It’s hard for me to explain the texture.  Like a dry lotion that disappears into nothing as soon as you start applying it.  Your face feels smooth and powdery, but there is no powder.  It’s magical.  Addictive and magical.  If you’re big on texture, then you may like it.  I traded in some Sephora points for this little sample, but previously I had bought a travel sized bottle that lasted for a couple months.  I will buy the full-size one day, though.  As soon as my primer stash weedles down a bit.  Is “weedle” a word?  Probably not.

Perhaps the most boring thing ever is this Jesse’s Girl Vitamin E lipstick.  It serves a purpose but it’s hardly exciting.  Unless you like plain lip balm with no scent, no flavor, no nothing.  I would apply it every morning before starting my makeup so my lips would be nice and soft in time for lipstick.  And then I used it all up.  Or about 1/4 of an inch from the end. Cuz my granddaughter stuck her finger on it, right after she rubbed snot straight up her face. The end.

One thing I was on the fence about was the NP Set Brightening Primer.  First of all, it’s purple and purple counteracts yellow tones in your skin therefore giving you a brighter look.  That’s fine, right?  We all want to have a brighter, less sallow complexion.  But then there are sparkles in it.  Not super apparent sparkles, but sparkles nonetheless.  The texture is okay.  It is a dry lotion just like the Hourglass, but much more dry and not as pleasant.  Feels okay on my face, but my hands needed a rinse right after application or my OCD would start to kick in.  I used this tube for a few weeks and couldn’t bear it any longer.  I’m passing it along to my daughter who is 21 and perfectly fine with sparkles.

Now for the body:

Okay, hands.  It’s the Minus 417 Hand Moisturizer from my very first Sample Society box about a year ago.  I like this lotion.  The texture is quite thick, almost like a glycerin-based cream.  But it absorbs relatively quick and leaves hands feeling very soft.  The smell is nice.  Not fruity, not floral, not spicy – just a warm, soothing, calming scent.  I’m sure you know exactly what that smells like.  I am very good with words.  It took me so long to use it up because I left it in my purse and forgot it was in there.  Because purses are black holes and things disappear in there.  Even if your purse has just one pocket, you can never find what you’re looking for.  It can only be in the ONE pocket, but still you’ll be digging to China before you ever lay your fingers on it.

Now legs.  I bought the eos shave cream because I really wasn’t too keen on spending $20 on another bottle of Whish.  I can pay higher prices for nice things, but I’ve decided shaving cream isn’t one of them.  I’ve never tried the eos before, so was actually excited about using it – as excited as one can be about shaving their legs (about 25%).  This is not a typical shaving cream, but an actual lotion similar to a body butter or something like that.  And oh my gawd, I prefer this so much better!  It feels so moisturizing on your skin, has a great scent, and makes it easier to shave. I’ll admit – since we’re friends and all – that my leg hair is coarse and manly. I will shave at 8pm and by 8am the day I already have a 5 o’clock shadow. It’s not fair and I dislike everyone that tells me they don’t have the same problem. However, the eos makes it feel smoother slightly longer.

Lord, are we done?

Almost. Hair stuff:

This Philip B ph Restorative Detangling Toning Mist is the strangest hair product I’ve ever used. It’s made with apple cider vinegar, and they don’t hide that fact one bit. Stinks like vinegar like it won a trophy for stinkin’ the best or something. And so of course you know I love it (cuz AWARD WINNER, albeit a fake one).

I’m addicted to the smell. It’s kind of like how a sewer can actually start to smell like burnt popcorn if you think about it real hard. And then you can deal with it. Not saying I enjoy the smell of a sewer. This was a terrible example.

I just like this spray. It does a good job of detangling and doesn’t leave a dirty film behind. I’m going to buy a full-size for sure.

Was I able to determine anything spectacular after the one-time-use packet of Davines OI/Absolute Beautifying shampoo? Surprisingly, there was something. Of course, I used it in conjunction with the conditioner (of which I have a ginormous jar; makes total sense) so it may have been the combo of those two together, but my hair was definitely smoother at the ends than in days past. Do you know how hard it is to come up with smooth ends after blow drying? About 95% of the time I look like the dirty end of a broom. So I was impressed to say the least. Will I buy the full-size then? After I finish my Carol’s Daughter, maybe so. We’ll see.

Last product is the Uberliss Hydrating shampoo and conditioner duo. This was less impressive. I didn’t feel like it did anything special to my hair at all, and life is too short to fiddle with nonsense like that. So I used it about 3-4 times and then let it go. Like a boss.

Okay, my dears. You’ve reached the end. How happy are you right now? (Sad. You’re var var sad.) No worries; more fun stuff tomorrow!