I am reading a book right now about a broken vagina.

Just wanted to tell you that.  Here’s my Ipsy:

You know, I’m kind of looking forward to the fall boxes.  Because I don’t think I can take another sunscreen/suntan lotion.  Do these people not know me?  I don’t go outside unless someone pushes me.  And I mean literally pushes me, like out the door and then locks it.  Otherwise, I’m the girl sitting on the couch in pajamas watching Orange is the New Black.

So that is why this Hang Ten tanning oil is immediately regifted.  What is the point of SPF 8 anyway?  Might as well be melted butter.  At least for my skin anyway.  I’m super pale. From like the knees down, it’s beyond ridiculous.  My dad had the same problem.  Looked decent up top, but put on a pair of shorts and Erlack!  Everyone’s blind.

Another product that is probably useful, but not for the intention labeled on the tube is this Lavilin Jojoba Gel Cream.  You apply this cooling cream after strenuous activity.  I stared at it for a second, and then laughed and laughed and laughed.  Unless walking from my cubicle to the copy machine is considered strenuous activity, it’s a high possibility I will never use this cream.  Except I’ve decided I’ll use it after bathing as a moisturizer.  Certainly my skin won’t fall off if I use as un-directed?

At this point, I’m getting very very sleepy. Looked at this little bottle of lip and cheek stain by Elizabeth Mott (called Tints & Sass complete with what I imagine to be Jazz Hands!), and immediately crawled into bed. I dunno, y’all. I already have a Benefit and TheBalm one that both do the exact same thing as this and I never ever use them. The stain is very bright fuchsia on my lips, and it’s annoying as hell to put liquid blush on my cheeks. But in fairness, I gave it one shot this weekend to wow me, instantly went nope, delete and tossed this thing in my regift pile. Neeeeeext.

Bare Minerals has came out with these new little cream eyeshadows, which as you know I don’t enjoy hardly at all. However, I love Bare Minerals so wanted to keep an open mind in case it turned my life around or something. I’m not sure what color I got because I couldn’t find it labeled anywhere, but it was like a medium taupe. I applied it on my old lady eyes, and because it was matte, it didn’t make me look ridiculous. Then I put a satin taupe eyeshadow on top, and it really made the color stand out. I liked it a lot, more than any other cream eyeshadow I’ve ever tried. Now I’m not gonna go nutso and buy a whole bunch of em, but I’m considering getting a skin tone one at the very least. I wouldn’t be surprised if something like that exact scenario happened this weekend. Nope. Wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Last product in the box is the lifesaver of a mediocre haul. Everyone in the world owns a tube of the Benefit They’re Real mascara. Even I owned this about 2 years ago when I wandered into Ulta and asked for the best mascara to help my itty bitty lashes. But I recall not caring for the mascara at all. Didn’t feel like it did much for me, or at least not as far as my expectations went. And removing it was a nightmare. However, that was before I really started to get into makeup, and Ulta was just another store in the mall. Might as well have been a Foot Locker for as much excitement it evoked in me. Plus, I didn’t know how to apply mascara in a way that made any sense.

Fast forward to now and all the things I’ve learned. I spent a minimum of 10 minutes carefully and meticulously sweeping, wiggling from root to tip, and blinking my lashes over the mascara wand. This is my new tried-and-true method; it works miracles on me. And man, was it glorious. They’re Real truly is a great mascara and does exactly as it says – now since I can apply it properly. And removing it didn’t seem as difficult as it had before. Granted, two years ago I never washed off my makeup so the mascara probably cured itself to my lashes. Well. Live and learn.

Headed to bed to read more of my book. If you’re curious, it’s called The Camera My Mother Gave Me by Susanna Kaysen and it’s a true story about a broken vagina. No. That’s not a typo.

Night night!