A Life Lesson in Two Acts:
The Scene – On a road trip. Wife driving, hands cramping at a consistent 10 and 2. Husband scrolling Facebook, napping, staring out the window thinking God knows what cuz he has allllll the freaking time in the world while enjoying passenger seat comfort / VIP status.
HUSBAND: I’m not saying it’s an emergency or anything, but I’m gonna have to use the restroom pretty soon.
WIFE: (picks up half drank bottle of tea from the cup holder) Really?? Already? Your bladder is surprisingly tiny for such a large person.
H: All I’m saying is I won’t be able to make it for 2 hours.
W: (checks ETA on the GPS) Oh, well, great cuz we’ll be there in an hour and 42 minutes. Perfect!
H: 45 minutes then. I won’t be able to make it past 45 minutes.
Ugh. Fifteen minutes further down the road, wife stop at the first gas station that involves the least amount of getting off the highway. Jesus, most assuredly, is smiling down on her.
HUSBAND: Per your strict and somewhat rude instructions, here is your bag of Funyuns and your mocha iced latte. Thank you for stopping to let me pee.
WIFE: (handing the Funyuns back to the husband) Can you open these for me? I can’t do it while driving.
While holding the bag of Funyuns, the husband proceeds to tell a useless story about the other flavor of Funyuns (New! It’s Steakhouse!) sitting right next to the regular flavor of Funyuns. And also, CURRENTLY NOT OPENING THE BAG.
W: Why are you not opening the bag? Come on, come on! (She is clearly starving to death.)
The husband quickly opens the bag and then an irrational misunderstanding takes place.
W: (shocked, frightened) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!
H: (with hand hovering over the opening of the bag, one Funyun dangling cautiously between thumb and forefinger) Eating a Funyun?
W: NO, you are NOT eating a Funyun! (voice starts to wobble in an edge-of-hysteria sort of way) WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
H: (said matter-of-factly) You had me open the bag. It’s a tax, everyone knows that.
W: I didn’t take a bite of your chocolate ding dong you ate just now. I didn’t even ask for one.
H: (again, matter-of-factly) Well, you didn’t open the bag.
W: Oh my God. (frustrated) You know there aren’t that many Funyuns in a bag of Funyuns. If you wanted even ONE Funyun, you should’ve gotten your own bag. We do not share Funyuns. Never ever ever do we share Funyuns.
H: (laughing uncontrollably)
W: You’re laughing, but I’m serious. Don’t you ever eat out of my bag of Funyuns. I will cut your arm off. I will literally karate chop your freaking arm off. MY Funyuns! MY FUNYUNS. Not OUR Funyuns. There is no such thing as OUR Funyuns.
Wife then continues to eat her Funyuns in perturbed silence, while husband retreats back into the shell of his former self.
About 20 minutes further down the road, husband pulls more ding dong out of the bag on the floor.
W: What the hell?! You had ding dong left? You stole my Funyun AND you didn’t eat all your ding dong?
Moral of the story: there is no tax on opening someone’s bag of snacks. You open it and then walk away. Marriage = saved.
Thank God for nail polish, I always say. I have the Holiday Vibes duo from Little Nail Girl to show you. Get excited; they’re pretty!
Gah! That foil finish! The flakies! And that golden shift! Welp, this is starting out well.
Let’s do It Girl first:
Goodness, I’m already speechless. You gotta love a red with an extra special something. The shot under the lamps (bottom left) is plain ridiculous. It’s the best kind of metallic. Ultra smooth, two coats. Perfection. I dare you to wear this polish and somehow manage to NOT stick your fingers in peoples’ faces.
This macro, though. If you’re not already convinced, here, lemme help you:
You done died. For real, you did.
Then I did some nail art. I tried to make a Christmas tree.
Meh. It’s okay. I kinda like it. The more I see it, the more I approve. Sometimes my designs take a few days to fully appreciate. While I was making this, all I could think was how I was about to stamp all the things and I tried so hard to reel it in. So, on that fact alone, this design is genius.
The other half of the duo is Lucky Charm:
Ooooooh! Not your traditional Christmas green, so what a fun surprise! It’s got a bit of aqua in it, plus that gold shift just takes it over the top. Same smooth formula as the red one, these two are truly made for each other. If you are a green lover (like me, obsessively so), you’re gonna have to buy this duo. Sorry, but you have no choice.
You can’t unsee this macro:
Despite the fact this is not my best cuticle work, seeing all that flakie goodness gives me heart eyes times a billion. Flakies make everything better. And prettier and skinnier, too, probably.
Here’s nail art:
It’s poinsettia leaves in case I mucked them up beyond recognition. Nail art is hard sometimes. Reverse stamping is even harder. In real life, these nails are like 10 inches thick. Ooops.
The round up:
Okay, babes. Get out your credit card and click here. You’re buying this duo. It’s only $15 and you know you’ve spent more than that on something stupid you don’t even need, like that poo spray you put in the toilet before you go potty.
And most important, don’t forget I have a discount code to save you money. Whyyyyyy, now it’s practically free! Use DSETT (all caps) at check out and get 10% off. Now aren’t you glad you read all the way to the bottom?