Hubby and I shouldn’t have discussions after 11pm cuz that’s when the stupid things start to come out. I mean, when you have one eye closed and a brain half asleep, you really have no business talking at all. Or else you might make a decision on things you weren’t ready to commit to. Cuz apparently now if I ever have to get false teeth I’m not allowed to take them out and gum on things in front of the hubs or else he’ll refuse to love me. Well how ZERO FUN is that? I imagine the only bright side to false teeth would be the gumming. Oh! and putting them in a glass by the sink right next to his toothbrush.
So not even sure why this is even a thing now, but since it’s out in the open, I’m gonna go ahead and dissect it to death. Cuz four years ago, right after the minister thought I was about to marry my brother (we bought the cheap wedding, clearly) my husband promised to God and a room full of other people that he’d be there for me in sickness and in health. So as soon as he shows me where the false teeth disclaimer is, I’m going to hold him to every word of it. Sorry. God is watching.
Not that I want to gum things in public or anything, but false teeth does run in the family. Considering how lucky I am in all things life-related, prettttttty sure I’ll suffer the same fate. Or actually hubby will be the one to suffer, as there’s not much sexy to go around when your teeth are in a completely different room as you.
Which brings me to the point for this entire conversation: I’m going to the dentist today to get a cavity filled, which – as an adult – should be outlawed. I get cavities at least once a year, so the probability for false teeth is lurking. And if that’s the reward I get for going to the dentist every six months like you’d expect from the 1987 Spelling Bee Champion – well then maybe I should’ve drank more than one wine cooler in high school. Cuz apparently following rules gets you nowhere.
So while I sit here having anxiety and sweating like a lady, let’s talk nail polish. Natalie with Noodles Nail Polish sent me her Spring 2017 Collection to share with you today, six polishes full of sunshine and happiness. Ready to go? Well then lessss go!
Welp, we want all those, now don’t we? Cuz they just scream spring, and who couldn’t use a dose of spring in their life? That’s right – just the crazy ones. My grass is already turning a brilliant shade of green, and I am beside myself with joy. Goodbye dead winter self! I’m about *thisclose* to putting pants on, so you know I’m serious.
First up is Petals & Peonies:
It pays to be prepared in life sometimes. Like, by wearing stretchy pants before cheesecake, or perhaps there’s a wedding dress in your car in case of a surprise Leonardo sighting. And one day the Queen of England might need you to bring her a sandwich, so you’re buying this nail polish just to be safe. Cuz while you’re probably not wearing pantyhose or one of those hats with the feathers in it, at least you know your nails look good. That’s half your fashion logistics right there.
So this one has a pale pink crelly base and it’s loaded with pastel, silver and gold glitters, gold shimmer and silver flakies. Goes on smooth even with all the goodies, and now you are ready to hold a thousand tiny cups, at the minimum. Tea with the Queen: BRING IT.
Time for macros!
Gah, so pretty.
Next up is Metamorphosis:
Okay, it’s just way too early for this. We barely got started and already my brain has stopped holding my mouth closed. Can you imagine how unattractive I’m about to get? Like, false teeth is one thing but lolling tongues and drool buckets is another thing altogether. Seriously, I’m locking this bedroom door lest hubby comes in here to divorce me.
This one is a steely blue green holo with copper shimmer and soft pinkish/red shift, and it will absolutely knock your socks off. You got shit to do and only one coat of polish to spare? Here ya go then, your dreamboat in a bottle. Now you’ve got pretty nails AND time to spare to go be Mom of the Year or whatever it is all you normal people get accomplished on a daily basis. It’s a sad state of affairs over at my house, what with all the pajamas and the lounging.
Put this hot mama under the lamps for a minute:
Do you hear angels? I hear angels. You’re officially buying one bottle of this, and then 27 back up bottles. To start.
Grab your smelling salts, stat! Now you may scroll:
Some nail art I did:
I mean, not gonna win any awards or anything, but it’s not the worst I’ve ever done. Cuz I invented the Meth Owl, and certainly not on purpose.
Now here’s Blue Skies:
My absolute favorite of the bunch. It’s glorious and stunning and about 2.5 seconds away from an accidental painting of all the surfaces. Clearly, an extra bit of supervision is in order. SEND HELP. And a Starbucks, just in case.
So this one is a light blue crelly with silver flakies, white microflakies and soft scattered holo. WHITE microflakies?! I know! And now were all having the best day EVER. Cuz flakies make everything better. And prettier and skinnier too, prolly.
More macros, more drool:
You done died. You did.
This one is called Rise & Shine:
My eyes, my eyes! Holy moly guys. A ridiculous display of sparkle, in case you’re due for one.
This one is a full coverage glitter mix of gold, pink, aqua, purple, silver metallic and holo. It can be a used as a topper if you apply it very thinly, but honestly, why you being hayve on a Thursday? Let’s just lose allllll the control on this cuz that’s the only logical thing I can think of. I did two brushed-on coats and one dabbed coat for safety, and the pay out is for real LEGIT. They’re party nails or nap nails depending on if you’re you or if you’re me. Either way though: you will lub them lots.
More macros, in case you wanna pass out for a second:
Okay, now that was nuts.
Scroll past this next part:
Y’all didn’t scroll. Ugh. What the hell is this then? I don’t dislike it, but I dunno. Did I nail fail like usual or am I just being too critical? You tell me cuz my brain’s no longer working.
Used the Bump, Set, Spike vinyls from Polished Vino if any recreations are in order. Bahaha. Ugh.
Next up is Spring Fling:
Well, now how precious is this? Someone on my Instagram commented that it looks like candy, and I’d have to agree on that a bit. I could go for a lick of this one, for sure. Probably tastes more poison-y than expected, but can’t say I’m not considering it. Also, someone needs to save me from me. It’s getting dire in here.
So this little princess is a creamy white crelly loaded with yellow, pink, purple, peach and blue glitters and fine pink holo shreds. All of it, cutie pie. Every single bit is full of joy. Go ahead and smile with your eyes closed on this one. But be by yourself cuz judgy eyes are everywhere.
Can’t stop, won’t stop:
Lastly, here’s Flutterby:
No sense in petering out here at the end. Cuz a spring collection wouldn’t be proper without some purple in it. Who just died a little bit then? ME TOO! This entire collection is crazy good. You’re buying the whole thing, I’ve already decided. And in case kudos and thanks are in order, I like gift cards. And Leonardo, if you’re not busy.
So this beauty is a soft lilac holo with more of those white microflakies we love to the point of speculation and a touch of purple shimmer. Seriously, if you haven’t drooled in a thousand buckets at this point, I’m var var concerned about the state of your brain. Maybe you don’t enjoy happiness. Or maybe you have no eyes. Either way, medical intervention is in order.
Final act of convincing:
And then some kinda cute nail art:
I’m proud of this one. It’s not hideous! Granted, I went a touch bananas on those purple studs, but for the most part I did a thing with a skosh of jazz hands instead of a thing with, like, sweatpants on per usual.
You should definitely recreate this one! Used the Lina Feeling Shapely 08 plate and a tiny bit of magic.
The round up:
GUYS. Trust me when I tell you how hardcore you love these. You do, I know it. Cuz we don’t just walk away from a basketful of kittens NOR do we walk away from a Noodles Nail Polish collection. Ever. Write it down in case there’s a quiz.
This collection releases tomorrow, March 31 at 6pm EST. Set 17 alarms and put Post-It Notes in all your hidey holes cuz there’s no way you’re getting there late like some kind of hobo. No, you’re first in line cuz no one does crazy nail lady quite like you. Click here for shopping!
For now, I’m just gonna have a quick little panic over the dentist tomorrow. Maybe google some side effects in case the Novocaine doesn’t wear off for the rest of my life. You know, nothing unreasonable.
(PRAY FOR ME.)