It’s always a big deal when I open my mailbox and there’s a pretty little package inside. Although it’s technically my husband that opens the mailbox as I pull the car up next to it, and the excitement I feel never ever matches his response. Which involves stink eye. But still.

Yesterday I got my new Beauty Box 5. I will admit it’s not my favorite out of all my boxes. In fact, it’s at the very bottom of the list. While it’s fun opening a box and not knowing what’s inside, the butterflies in the stomach, the anticipation that feels just like Christmas morning … well, that’s why I subscribe to 9 boxes. But when you open the lid to find a bunch of products I could easily go buy myself at Walmart, it feels a little deflated. My big pink balloon of happiness just fizzled and pooted it’s way down to my dirty hardwood floor. Depressing image to say the least.

Here’s what I got:

First of all, the only exciting piece of the box was the body wash from H2O Plus. I’ve seen this brand at Ulta and it’s something I would actually use – and did last night. It’s pretty pricey for the full-size ($17) so getting a super cheap sample is bonus points all around.

So let’s discuss the elephant in the room, shall we? Those huge pink gloves. They come from Swissco and you wear them while you bathe. You look completely ridiculous but can exfoliate like a mofo. I used them last night with my new body wash, and I can’t say I hated it. It softened my skin better than my little turquoise bath poof. But I don’t know if I’d use them all the time. I get extremely lazy in the bathtub and making the effort to put on a pair of gloves might prove to take too much energy.

Next is a tube of hemp coconut lip balm by Epic Blend. I love the smell of coconut. It reminds me if summer, sunshine, beaches and happiness. So by that factor alone, I will use this. But it’s still just a lip balm. I give straight faced stares at lip balms. They have no effect on me whatsoever. Unless they’re tinted. I might blink a little bit about that.

The little cuticle oil by Nubar could’ve been a winner, but the brush applicator was so stiff and frayed out on one side I could barely use it. Not sure if it was damaged because it froze to death sitting in a subzero warehouse somewhere or if I just got a defective one. But by this point I have no cares left to give, so I’ve moved on.

And they had the gall to put a Jergens lotion in the box. Jergens. As in the same brand of lotion you’ve probably bought yourself a jillion times before or already own right now this second. Snore. I’m taking a nap.

Lastly, they’ve thrown in a bonus product. And by “bonus” you’d think it would be something you’d want. You don’t. It’s a ridiculous promotional item (compact mirror) advertising a Zac Efron movie and I. Could. Care. Less. Plus, it’s super cheaply made and not the least bit girlie or cute. I hate to sound ungrateful but serious, they could’ve saved the trouble and just not sent it.

After all that longwindedness, basically what I’m saying is I don’t think the premise behind Beauty Box 5 is for me. They have an audience, don’t get me wrong, but sadly I’m not it. I may hold out for another month before making any drastic decisions. Because for $12 a month, it might still be worth the excitement of simply opening the box.

That’s my justification, people. Yes, I might need psychological help. In fact, let’s just get someone on speed dial, shall we? Thanks.